July 6, 2008
Sunday Evening

2nd Day in North Carolina. Taking advantage of the nice house. Ha!

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July 5, 2008
Saturday Night- Late

First night in North Carolina. Going to bed.

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July 4, 2008
Friday Night- Late

It’s 1am. my shot I had planned didn’t work out for me. So, I just took a face shot. Obviously. LOL!

Anyway, I need to wake up in 3 hours, to get ready and leave in 3 hours 45 minutes. I’m stressing out about flying, about leaving my dogs all week. I’m excited to hang out with my Mom and sister though.

I think I have everything packed, except my laptop which is going next, then I’m off to bed take a freaking nap before I have to go.

Starbucks here I come.

P.S. I’m not quite sure what is going on with my eye. Little droopy eye.

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So, I haven’t updated in awhile. I was doing so good there for a minute!

So, slowly I will be adding my 365 pictures just cuz it’s something, and maybe there is someone who reads this and doesn’t go on Flickr.

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James Douglas Morrison- (December 8, 1943 – July 3, 1971) was an American singer, poet, songwriter, writer, and film director. He is best known as the lead singer and lyricist of The Doors, and is widely considered to be one of the most charismatic and influential frontmen in rock music history.[1] He was also the author of several books of poetry,[1] and the director of a documentary and short film.

Today, was the 37th Anniversary of Jim Morrison’s death.

I first discovered The Doors when I was 16. I listened to their music nearly everyday for 10 years straight, read every book about Jim Morrison or The Doors that I could get my hands on, & read his poetry books. I saw The Doors tribute band "Wild Child" more times then I can count just to be able to experience the music live, and a little of what Jim Morrison was like, and had every video. I looooved them so much.

So, here is my tribute to Jim Morrison. I’m fairly pleased with this even though after I was finished, & I looked at the original, I realized that my shoulders shouldn’t have been straight and my hands aren’t perfect. Whatcha gonna do?!

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Not sure if this will be my picture for the day or not. For now this is it. I will probably go back and edit it again more to my liking.

Today, was just a regular day. I woke up and Jeremy had fed the puppy. I was happy and felt good. I thought it would be a good day. Within 10 minutes Betty had eaten her own ass, and vomited up a foam that smelled of anal glands on the bed, and as I am trying to clean up the foam, Annabelle pee’d all over the bed. Yay! So, the morning went from nice, to pure shit in no time.

I decided to ride my bike to the school down the street for my picture, and brought Shell with me. It was so hot, and I was all sweaty and miserable. I fake it good. After that we headed home, and I am trying to leave out the front door, and my dogs are trying to get out front, and I’m trying to squeeze through a crack, and caught my new shirt on a small nail and ripped a huge hole in it. Stupid dogs.

Tomorrow, I need to go get a few things. Like face wash, moisturizer, and a few new clothing items for my trip to North Carolina this Saturday. I also just realized that my Mom booked my flight at like 7:30 a.m. How am I supposed to drink vodka cranberries to ease my fear at 5:30 a.m.-6:30 a.m.? I guess it’s time to try those anxiety pills I got last year.

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Ok, so to top off the fact that I feel fat and ugly…I go and get a haircut weeks ago. Remember? I think I’ve said before that I’m not an overly picky person. I can not like something, and just deal with it. To where it doesn’t bother me at all. Well my haircut right now, I absolutely despise! I feel so UGLY with this hair. The chick just royally fucked up my hair. Really fucked it up. I am 100% positive that I could have cut my hair better to where it somewhat looked like the picture, better then this chick. If I could take my head off my shoulders, I would cut my own hair, and it would look good. I’m confident it would. My hair resembled the picture like 0%.

Most days, I wash my hair, blow dry my bangs, and throw the rest of my short little hairs in the smallest most ridiculous ponytail ever. That is my new hairstyle. Thank you lady who cut my hair. You’ve done just the opposite of what the point of your job is. Rather then me feeling cute with my new haircut, you’ve made me feel uglier.

I don’t think you should have to spend $200 for a haircut for the stylist to know types of hair, and what types do what, and what kinda cuts you should do on those hair types. I would think that would be common knowledge, like knowing what the scissors do, and what hair colors do what. Call me crazy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting hair if I didn’t know that.

It’s partially my fault though. I knew that razor cuts and my hair didn’t really work well together. However; I also never had such severe, ugly layers put in my hair with a razor either. I wasn’t asking for them either, so yeah, not my fault. Anyway, it’s going to be a long year, waiting for this hair to grow. I guess we can watch it with my 365 pictures.

What have I learned through all of this?

-Do not do an extremely different style until you’ve found someone who knows your hair, and cuts it good.
- Tell the hairdresser about your hair, what you know looks good, and what you know doesn’t work (ie: razor cuts).

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Here, I go again! I don’t know what I’m thinking except I’ve missed doing the 365 Day project. I really, really, really want to complete it though, and complete it good and make a book. Dammit!

Wish me luck!

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While my sister was here, we were talking about how different I was right after I announced I was getting a divorce. How it wasn’t even me really. I quit doing everything I liked to do (cooking, baking, crafts), and I was all about socializing and partying. I didn’t give a shit what people thought about me. I did random things, I pushed myself to experience things, I did stupid things, I did what I wanted, and what made me happy, and I was confident. I was on my very own trip, and everyone was invited that wanted to come.

It’s really weird actually.

I was just sitting here thinking about how uncomfortable I am being “me”…and how odd it is that there were 2 different Stephanie’s. I look back on those times, and think about that Stephanie. She’s like an old friend, you lost contact with. The friend that you kinda looked up too, and envied. There was something about her, that was alive, and exciting. Almost dangerous. I liked her. I want to be more like her.

I remember vividly the time that Chuck said to me during the divorce times…

“I HATE the new Stephanie!”

then I said:

“Funny! I was just thinking about how I LOVE the new Stephanie!”

The me now, is introverted, a homebody (who really wants to do lots of things, but is to uncomfortable with me.), shy, timid, worry wart, sad, mad/angry, limited.

It boggles my mind on why I don’t lose weight. How many times have I said that I am going to lose weight? So many. Countless. I really just do not get it?! It’s like I am punishing myself or something. I’m keeping myself in an area that I hate, that I feel so uncomfortable doing anything in public or around people. My weight and how I look is something I think about numerous times a day if not constantly on my mind. Just going out and getting the mail, I’m positive that the neighbors are looking out their window and thinking what a fat ass I am. That sounds ridiculous, I know…but I’m not exaggerating.

So, if this is something I think about all the live long day, something I HATE, something that bothers me more then anything else, then why in the hell do I say I’m going to lose weight and exercise, and eat right, and the next day I am eating like shit first thing in the morning? Exercise is a fleeting thought. Always ending in a reason why I can’t do it. (It’s too late in the day, I have to do it early. It’s too hot. I already ate like shit. I’ll do it later. Too late. HA!)

I try to remember what made me do it last time. Then I remember. It’s not something I give a shit about now. I remember noticing that no guys ever checked me out, specifically one. That bugged me. So, I decided to change that. I remember looking in the mirror and being so disgusted with myself. That was it. Soon, I was getting checked out. Now, however, I want to be checked out by just my boyfriend. I want him to think he has the hottest girlfriend around, and can’t keep his hands off of me. Not that he has ever said anything bad about how I look, but come on. I definitely don’t look like I did when we first met.

I want to get that fun and exciting Stephanie back, but still hold onto all the good things about me now. I want to feel good about myself. I’m 5′4″ and I weight like 173 lbs. With my height, and just how I gain weight, I look like shit with extra weight on. Even 20 lbs overweight looks bad on me…and I am 50lbs overweight! I just don’t know how or what in the world can make me get in that frame of mind to where I’ve had enough.

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If you follow my Flickr stream you already know, but we got a new puppy last Saturday, June 21, 2008.

Yes, we are completely fucking nuts, and are totally irresponsible. It was bound to happen at some point. Usually, we are able to come to our sense before we jump. However, this time the guys were letting everyone pick up the puppies. Touch them, and love on them. It was also hot as hell, like 107 degrees. So, I’m sure that lead to the temporary lapse in judgment also.

So, it has been 9 days. Which have flown by really fast. I think a lot of it was because my sister was down. She’s gained over 2 pounds, and I think she looks fuller. I took her to the vet last week, and he said she looked about 5 weeks, and not 3 weeks. So, I don’t know how old she is. LOL!

She has went from sleeping all day long, minus about 15 minutes a day, to sleeping in 2-4 hour increments, with boughts of being awake for 15 minutes- 1 hour.

Right now she is “nursing” on Betty. Betty’s boobies at the bottom seem to look big, like real boobs! I don’t know if she is lactating or what? Annabelle keeps going for the same nipple, and it’s all pink/red and sore looking. Yet, Betty just lays there like a new Mama…letting the baby suck away.

Annabelle pees more then anything I have ever seen in all my life. More pee then you would think could come out of her little body. It’s crazy. It’s getting kind of annoying too. today, I need to sanitize my floor, because she has pee’d and pooped everywhere. Oh there she went to piss some more on the carpet right now.. Mmmm. Great!

She’s pee’d on my bed twice. The last time was this morning. Jeremy just washed the bedding yesterday. Great. I have those god awful pee pads all over my house.

She is drinking formula, that costs $20 a can for. She uses one of those every 4 days. Got her some wet food, and dry food to soak in water. she seems to like those both also.

Last night, I made her this little bed out of those plastic shoe boxes that you organize with. I put her blankie in there, along with a wee wee pad…just in case she pee’d on the way to get the kids. I thought the box would be more sturdy, and less movement for her. She threw up all over my shirt and the side of my jeans. I didn’t realize until it felt really warm in those spots and it smelled of formula really strongly. It was formula mixed with wet food. Mmmm. It didn’t really phase me. I looked in the box, and apparently it saved me. There was about a cup of vomit in the box. I just got a little bit of it on me.

It’s sorta like having a baby, except this baby pisses and shits all over your floor. I thought I was getting when she had to pee. Like whenever she woke up, she was going to pee. Now, she does this huge pee where ever, but if I’m lucky it will be half on the wee wee pad, and half off. Half the clean up! Yay! Then does these little pee’s all over the place. It’s driving me nuts!

She’s really cute though!!! HaHa!

I also am not loving the fact that I have to time every single thing around when she sleeps, and eats. Oh, she is going to want to eat in 1 1/2 hours, we gotta wait! Even for bed!

The past 2 nights, I have kept the door to the crate off, so she can pee on the pee pad outside the crate…rather then in her bed. Yesterday, she woke up, and pee’d on the carpet by the pee pad. Then cried, until I woke up and got her. This morning, I wake up, and I don’t see her anywhere. I am freaking out trying find her in my half sleeping stupor. I looking under the kids beds, behind doors, She’s nowhere. There was a comforter on the couch from when my sister stayed. The dogs have pushed it practically all on the floor. I’m calling Annabelle’s name. Betty come running out of the bedroom, and starts sniffing. Sure enough, 30 seconds later she has sniffed her out in the comforter completely covered.

As cute as puppies are, they sure are a lot of work. More work then I want to do. I think this is going to be the last puppy I ever get though. At least this young. When we got Betty, she was already 3 months old, and while a puppy…she ate regular food, went potty outside, and was just a lot easier!

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