I need to leave in about 20 minutes to go get Chase from school. Man, do I wish they had bus passes at this point.  I don’t really like going to school 3 times a day to take them and pick them up at different times. Unfortunately the bus pass was over $400 for the year for each! Yeah let me get right on that. I think even if I got the reduced price it was going to be $300 something for the 2 of them. Again, yeah! Let me get right on that!  I’ve come to the conclusion that yes, I am depressed. I’m not sure what your supposed to do though to get help. I’m not even sure I need help. In my head, I feel that it is something I can work out on my own. Yet laying in bed at night crying for really no reason at all or cooking dinner and having your eyes well up with tears is not normal. I don’t even think with PMS that is normal. I would really hate to be on medication. I would love to be happy on my own.    My mouth is also hurting me. I have some major dental issues I need to take care of. I need my wisdom teeth out. I need a root canal. I need another molar extracted also. It isn’t going to be fun, and I don’t even have the money for it. Is it bad, that I want to be with a man who will take care of me? I don’t mean like buy me jewelry and stuff like that. I mean like I want to go to beauty school, and he will help support me during that time so I can achieve something that I know will make me happy in the long run! Is that to much to ask from someone who tells me “They are in it for the long run with me.” If they are in it for the long run, then in the long run that is what I want as a career…so I don’t see how taking care of me for a year would be so horrible. I’d do it for him in a heartbeat.   I think I am so afraid of the fact that I was with someone who I wasn’t  happy with that I project everything on to Jeremy. Instead of enjoy our relationship most of the time, I am scrutinizing it and making sure it’s not going to turn into something I don’t want again. I want to make sure we are on the same page. That we are wanting the same thing. When in reality I think I am just poisoning one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I really wish I could shut my brain off. Just live my life without thinking of all the shit that fills my brain.   

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I’ve been down lately. I’d say the past month.
There are things that are bugging me.

Such as Jeremy living so far from me. This is something I have always had a hard time with. Well after it got serious…I started to hate it. Now it’s really just horrible, I can barely handle it. I would say I am needy, in that I need the person I am in a relationship with there. I need daily affirmations of my relationship. I would never be with a man in the military because I couldn’t handle it.

Jeremy being far is something I’ve had to deal with. I thought for quite some time that we would live together in February ‘06. That didn’t happen, and honestly I don’t know when it WILL happen. Not knowing isn’t good for me.
I don’t like not knowing where we will live, I don’t like knowing I will have to move out there because he has a job, when I have kids in school, I don’t like that I have to move to him to be with him. I don’t like that he doesn’t act like he minds the distance.

My sister’s boyfriend has moved into our house. So now she doesn’t hang out with me anymore. He’s ALWAYS here. So when they are both here, I get it rubbed in my face that I am alone. She has had a relationship for 3 months and they already live together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit they have been joking of being pregnant the past month and a half and he is being all serious the other day that he would like kids at 20 so he isn’t an old Dad. Then kinda argued with me that he is right about having kids young and I don’t know what I’m talking about when I say wait till your older. Oh okay I don’t know what it is like having kids that young! Who the fuck do I think I am?

So seeing this lovey-dovey bullshit rubbed in my face on a daily basis makes me go insane.
While I have a boyfriend most of the time I am alone. I have no grown up interaction besides the phone, and to be honest I’ve been so horrible to Jeremy.

Why?

Because, it’s easier for me to be mad and away from him, then nice and miss him like crazy. I find myself saying things to him to push him, for what I don’t know. For some reason it’s easier to fight with him, then to have the pointless conversations we have night after night.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if I just sit here in Orange County and be jobless or should I just pack it up and MOVE to him when school’s out? I know my kids will adapt to the change and I will be HAPPIER so that will make them happier. On top of it we can have a normal life again, without people coming in & out of our home.

I don’t know. I just want to stop crying all the time.

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•  Everyone using my Coffeemate and when it’s gone no one replenishes it so I either have to go buy more so I can have coffee which then leads to everyone using it again. Not to mention there are 2 poeple using it and there is only one of me.
• People using my fabric softner and when it’s gone and they do buy some they buy cheap stuff. Replace it with the same thing you used!
• An extra person living in our apartment. I feel that is something that should be discussed if it is for months. As I don’t like having a person just show up here when my sister isn’t here and just walking in when he arrives. Sorry but you don’t pay rent, and I personally think you shopld knock still. You haven’t been together all that long…3 months…that still requires knocking I think or pay some rent.
• A certain new roomamte controlling the T.V. out in the living room. Ummmm, as far as I know you don’t pay part of the cable bill….so why must we watch what you want?
• Maintenance men shutting my garage door when I run to pick up the kids or run to the store. It’s my garage, if I want it open I can leave it open. Don’t shut my door unless your going to stand there and wait for me to get back.
• My sister broke Jeremy’s playstation game Guitar Hero. She hasn’t even replaced it and this is after it broke before and he had to buy another. He’s spent $160 on 2 sets of the game. I don’t know if you break someone’s game that is $80 you probably should replace it in a timely manner. Like the next day as that is what I would do if I broke someone’s game.
• Being a 30 year old Mother of 2 and living in the situation I am living in. I should be able to have a place I call home where I can walk around with no bra on and no make-up and look like shit and get out of the shower with my door open and not have to worry about a “new roommate” walking in with his friends.

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