I am very much aware that I am somewhat of a hypochondriac. I can thank my Mother for that. She is out of control. I am not quite as bad as she is, but I’m up there. When there was something wrong with you and you told her, and she didn’t freak out you knew you were okay. If she did freak out you needed to get to the Doctor’s ASAP! 

So, I have been suffering headaches for the past week. They are weird, not like a regular headache. It is in my temples, my eyes, the top of my head. Ibuprofen doesn’t even do the trick, which it normally does. It’s almost on the verge of a migraine, where I want to lay in a dark, quite room. Yet I can’t. I had to turn the volume down on the work phone because it was killing me. I can’t listen to music very loud. It’s been hell dealing with this. 

Of course this morning I read up on headaches and the site I went to said you need to go to the Doctor’s immediately if it isn’t better in 24 hours. I know I have high blood pressure, and I’m scared it’s raised really high and I will die of a heart attack. 

Also…ha…on Sunday night I had a anxiety attack. No reason. I think that is what it was. I all of a sudden while watching Intervention got really weird feeling. It wasn’t in my body but all in my head. I felt just weird. I can’t even describe it. Then came the feeling of panic. Then I thought I was going to die, and so I panicked even more. It was like being a prisoner in my head, is the only way I could describe it. It was terrifying. 

Then at work on Monday afternoon, another one. Same feeling. When I have these attacks…which I haven’t had one in I don’t know how long. It’s like if I am in a public place I almost feel like I have to stand up announce that I am freaking out. As if it will make it better. Like if everyone knew, I’d be okay. Then this panic like I need to get out of here, and go home. Somehow I contain myself and it goes away. Those are so not fun though. 

These headaches are not fun either. I don’t know why they are here? Could lack of sleep be causing them? I think when I get home tonight, I am going to take a half of a Vicodin in hopes that it will take the pain away…and I know it will make me sleepy and go to bed early tonight.

   

Originally uploaded by buffer.

So I’ve been looking at engagment rings again. I ran across this site from a some Pay Per Poster’s. Come to find out…Jeremy can buy me this ring with a wonderful 1.54 ct princess cut, and the setting…for a decent amount of money, but not outrageous. Anyway…with this site you can design your own ring, pick out the diamond seperately, and pick out what ever setting you want. They also have lay-away!!! So he can make 5 payments on the ring!!! How cool is that! I mean for me anyway. I think I love this ring! I think I want this particular one on my hand for the rest of my life! Off to look some more, just in case I find something I like better!

Anyone watching this show on TLC? I’m watching the first one I think, where the dude is bringing in a 3rd wife, and the 2nd wife doesn’t like her.

I think they guy is a pompous pig personally. He just gave his lecture on how the wifes should be honorable wives, and get along and he is finished. Ha! If I were the first wife, I’d fucking bail out on his ass…and take him for everything he’s worth since she is legally married to him for 21 years.

Originally uploaded by buffer.

Jeremy and I are quite funny when we fight. We are both hard headed. He says he is more so then I am, but he’s not. I am super ultra hard headed. He has no problem for the most part saying sorry. He is usually the first one to try to make up. Actually like 99% of the time. The best part about us, is after we fight and make-up. We can laugh at ourselves and say how lame we were acting. I love that about us. I think we have issues like every other couple, and I would also say a lot of the issues might even stem from me. I’ve said it a lot of times, Jeremy is good. I mean he really just tries to make me happy all the time. He is very selfless. I think I am extremely selfish, but I love him more then I could even write in words.

I truly believe that I found someone who I extremely compatible with on all levels. I find that so lucky, considering my life that lead up to this. There are days I look back to 4 years ago…and it’s mind-blowing crazy to me where I am right now.

It also just hit me like last week where I am right now. I live in Simi Valley with Jeremy. I moved from where I grew up to some foreign town I didn’t even know where it was before I met him. I kind of patted myself on the back actually when I realized. I’ve never thought of myself as a brave person or someone who knows what she wants and goes for it. Yet, I decided I am moving here in August ‘06. I didn’t really think twice about having to leave my job, or the wrath of Chuck. I just did it, and I knew it would make me feel better all around. It’s great too, because my kids have really settled in here, and I think they are so wonderful and flexible. I think it took a lot of guts for me to do this & I’m proud of myself for seeing somehting I wanted and going for it. I think that was really brave of me. It paid off too! I am happier then I have been in a long time. I don’t even cry anymore. I got a job! Life is good right now!!! I have a lot to look forward to in the future…but rather then sit here and wait for those things in the future to happen so I can live life…I can live life and enjoy those things when they happen.

Originally uploaded by buffer.

So this weekend we went to La and searched for Glenn Danzig’s house! We found it, and it’s crazy looking. I mean it looks like a haunted house. It would be great to have for Halloween!

In the front there is a pile of bricks. I guess from his old chimney from the Northridge earthquake. So I guess his neighbors complained and were suing him over it. And supposidly he won, and he just left them there!

The plants are growing up all over the house! There is actually a window in the front there! The roof is being tore up from that shit! I would love to see the inside of his house! I bet it is Halloween 24/7 in there. Kinda like Jeremy’s house used to look. LOL!

So, it was a Danzig obsessed weekend over here in this house for me. I also discovered You Tube. I mean I’ve know about You Tube, but never checked it out. So I saw I could watch video’s and interviews! So exciting!!!

Work on Monday went well, I suppose. I mean it was the first day at a new place with a million tasks & passwords thrown in my head. The place I work at is alright. There is the office I work in and a warehouse. They make electronical componants for airplanes. Not exciting stuff, but I like that I am busy all day long. There is always something to do.

I explained my situation Monday towards the end of the day and my manager was very understanding about it. He told me it was okay to come in at 8:30-12:30, until Thursday. So I got the kids signed up for daycare yesterday evening…and they start tomorrow. So a day earlier then I thought.

The great things about this job is that they are pretty freaking casual. I mean some people wear jeans and tennis shoes. Some dress very business casual. So dressing up jeans is fine. So that is awesome. Another thing is I get out at 4:30 everyday. I love that!!!

So that means that I get out in time to get the kids by 5 so I get the cheaper daycare. Also Jeremy is going to take the kids to school for me every morning.

It all worked out just fine.

There is this lady at work though that is going to bug. She sits fairly close to me, and she’s the type that sits and listens to what you are saying and doing, and then goes and tells the manager. She’s already told on me for asking someone if they would like to leave a voicemail on my first day. Luckily the old receptionist is there all week with me, and was there and stuck up for me…and said it was my first day…I obviously don’t know the ins and outs yet…which my manager agreed with. The old receptionist said when she started 6 years ago, this lady would tell on her all the time. Like everyday, to where the manager had to talk to her and tell her to lay off! So luckily everyone there knows how this chick is! Today she was bitching about a fax missing…that she faxed. She kept coming up front saying “I don’t know where it could have gone!!!” I know she was blaming me for it. I’ve been watched doing everything by the old receptionist. She checks me stuff, because she is training me. So that chick can fuck off! She’s also the type to come up and talk to you like she likes you, but you can tell she’s a bitch…and then go tell on you 5 minutes later. She was telling on one of us today too. Whatever, though. Sad to be a 50+ year old woman and tattle like a little bitch! Sucks to because people like that I would rather ignore them, and although I can pull it off…I fucking HATE being all fake and act like I like you when I don’t like you at all.

Also what is funny is that every job I have ever gotten I have been trained (except the last one) and out of the whole office, I’ve always liked the recpetionist training me. Like could talk to them and even be their friend ya know…and they always are moving away & not working there.

Oh, I have to page people too!!! Like throughout the building, so I hear my voice yellingout from all the phones “Alicia 101, Alicia 101″. I hate my voice. LOL! 

I just realized that all I’ve had to eat today was:

• Venti White Chocolate Mocha
• Pumpkin Loaf
• 2 Blow Pops
• Tall White Chocolate Mocha
• Pumpkin Loaf (which I haven’t eaten as of now)

Fighting is good for something. Not eating when you’re a fat ass like me, and can’t even fit into a size 9 pants now! Damn I used to be able to fit into a freaking 5!!!!

Jeremy and I have been fighting since Friday night. We haven’t really spoken at all. There has maybe been like 10 words exchanged. I am so fuckin’ hurt by him right now.

Saturday late morning I woke up and took a shower and was going to go get something to eat, but I decided I didn’t want to fight all weekend. So I ordered from a restaurant we eat at all the time, and was having it delivered. I thought I could go wake him up with food. He finally wakes up around 2, and goes directly into the office to play his game. He doesn’t even come out to where I am. So I get a little teary eyed, and the food comes. I take it to his office. I sat there for like 5 minutes and started getting teary eyed again thinking he wasn’t going to even come out there. He does though, says thanks for the food, and isn’t even nice about it really. Just has attitude.

Then back to the office he goes for the rest of the day. Last night nothing. This morning nothing. He then asks if I’ve eaten and I said yes. So he goes to the store, and comes back and asks me if I want a bagel or a coke…and I am irritated and say no. At this point don’t just start talking to me offering me things when we haven’t spoken for 2 days. Things need to be worked out. So then he asks if I want him to stop talking to me, and I said yes.

I start a job tomorrow, and you know it would be nice to have some fucking support. It seems like he doesn’t care. Did I get daycare worked out?

So I tell him I’m taking the dogs for a walk. Does he offer to go? No. So I go, and then I come back, but the dogs want to keep going. So I call him from the front door, and he comes out of his game dungeon and I ask if he wants to go for a walk with me and the dogs. He says in the coldest way “No!” I was shocked. Then he says he’s in a middle of a game! Okay then. Jeremy would never tell me no to going on a walk for his videogame. Yet tonight when it is a perfect chance to talk, I get told no.

So I left. He called me twice, but I didn’t answer, and he left no voicemail. Now I am sitting at Starbucks typing away.

I know on Friday I said “Maybe it was a mistake me moving here!” Then that pissed him off. I can’t think of anything else that I said to deserve him being so cold to me.

To be honest I think this is exactly the shit that ruins relationships. Not one time, but over time this sort of thing will break it down and cause there to be resentment. Long lasting resentment. I already am resenting him. I’m sure it is mutual.

What’s weird to me, is that normally I am so sensitive. I would normally cry if you looked at me funny. After I took the dogs for the rest of the walk, I got a few tears in my eyes, and that was it. No cryin’ where I would have bawled my eyes out. It was almost frustrating not being able to release like that. I’ve found myself not being able to cry a lot of different times when I’ve been sad.  Maybe I’m turning into my mother?

Also on my walk, I found myself saying things in my head that I wanted to say to Jeremy. You know to hurt him like he hurt me. This is how my family does things to each other. We say awful, hateful things to each other when we’ve been hurt. So I was thinking of all this shit I wanted to say to him when I got home. I obviously didn’t, because that is the worst thing you can do to anyone…and I want to not do that anymore.

Anyway, times like these I think I was living in some lalaland thinking that everything would be dandy with us, and I wanted nothing more to live here…yet right now…I want to be anywhere but here!!!

I also hate the fact that I have NO ONE to turn to anymore. I have no family. If I wanted to leave, I couldn’t! I have nowhere to go. I couldn’t leave this place.

I know this will pass, but it’s not going to happen right now.

So, I guess I am going to go to work tomorrow!  Chuck is keeping the kids tonight. They will miss school tomorrow (ACK!)!

I will go in, because I think it looks better that I go in and then explain to my temp agency and the manager there my situation. I will go on my lunch break to sign the kids up for the other day care, and see if I can come into work from 8:30-12:30 until the daycare starts. Which I think will be Wednesday or Thursday. So at least I am in for 4 hours everyday until the kids start their daycare. If that doesn’t fly with them and they aren’t understanding of that…then well I don’t want to work there anyway.

I personally don’t think it should be a huge problem, because it’s not like they don’t have a receptionist there already. I think it would be easier to overlook me and just say forget it if I didn’t show up, then if I showed up and explained the situation. Plus, I’m a nice girl and people usually like me…soooo I think that will help also.

Now to figure out what I am going to wear??? It’s business casual. Or as the temp agency said the manager wanted me to know it’s very business casual. What’s VERY business casual?

So I got a job. The one I interviewed for on Thursday. I found out on Friday afternoon! I was so excited and went to set up daycare. So I go to the YMCA since they are located at the kids school. Which would be convenient for not only the kids but myself since it is 1 minute down the street from my house.  I go in and fill out all the paperwork and I sign up for financial assistance. I turn it in and the girl looks over my stuff, and tells me I need to turn in check stubs or a bank statement & pick out the times I need the kids to go. There is a plan and a category. So your options are: