Originally uploaded by buffer.

Out to eat with my family. The kids were putting a spoon on their nose, and mine wouldn’t stay. When it did…I said this is the picture for today.

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Originally uploaded by buffer.

I’m excited about this little project.

I can’t wait till to see all the pictures at the end and I hope I can get more creative. Also I’ve become addicted to Flickr. Just looking at everyone else’s pictures in the group. They are inspiring and beautiful!

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Originally uploaded by buffer.

So I decided to join a group on Flickr called 365 Days. You take a picture a day of yourself and you are supposed to try and be creative with it. This is my first shot, and it isn’t very creative, but it’s what I do. So here’s the first one.

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Jeremy and I just got in a little argument this morning.

He told me that we have Christmas at his sister’s house the 23rd of December. I was saying how downright excited I was!!! Being sarcastic of course. I just don’t like going around his family. His Dad isn’t the friendliest guy out there. I mean he’s never done anything to me, except call me “What’s-Her-Face” to Jeremy on speaker phone. Ha! Jeremy says he’s just not a super friendly person. He’s shy. Whatever, he’s close to 60 years old. I am shy, and I couldn’t imagine being shy to my kids boyfriends or girlfriends. His sister’s have always been nice to me. His older sister is nice, but I’ve never really talked to her. I don’t think we’d have much in common, but she’s nice to me.

For some reason I feel super self-conscience & nervous around them. I accept that it is quite probable that I make the experience even worse because I freak out about it, but they sure don’t make me feel super comfy either.

We had to go to eat for Jeremy and his Dad’s Birthday in October. I cried twice while at the restuarant from nerves!!! Also Jeremy has a way of saying things out loud where everyone can hear and your thinking “Please shut up right now!” and you want to just run away, but you can’t because you are an adult.

For instance at dinner: We were waiting in the bar for out table at the Japanese Restaurant. I was thinking that maybe I wanted a beer. I think I asked Jeremy if he wanted one also or something that let him know I was thinking of getting one. There was a line at the bar, and I figured I’d get one when it went down. Then his brother in-law who is super nice asked if anyone wanted a drink. At this point, I felt uncomfortable. I’m kind of weird about people I don’t know very well paying my way for things. I like to pay my own way, unless it’s Jeremy or my family or something. So I said no thanks. Then Jeremy keeps pushing it, talking loudly for everyone to hear. “Well you said you wanted a beer just a minute ago!” “Come on!!! Just take the beer I know you want it” I kept saying “No, I’m fine. Thanks anyway!” Then he kept on & on & on while everyone was staring at me. I felt my face turn bright red, and I had to succumb to the fucking beer I didn’t want his brother in-law to buy for me. As it is they were buying dinner for everyone, and THAT made me feel uncomfortable! This wasn’t some cheap meal. So I didn’t feel right adding on a $6 beer to the tab. So I was forced to get the beer.

After I got it, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and streaming down my face. I looked away and pep talked myself to stop crying. I took a few deep breaths, and managed to fight the tears away, even though I wanted to run away and bawl my eyes out. Some of it was due to nerves, stress, and a lot to do with Jeremy calling me out in front of everyone. At the table, I was lucky in that I got the last seat at the end of the table with just Jeremy next to me. I remember I asked him what meso soup was. I had an idea of what it was, as I had eaten at many Japanese Restaurants before…this particular restaurant just had 2 choices and I wasn’t sure if Meso was the one regularly served at like Shogun or something. I forgot what he did but it was this another episode of calling me out about the soup, to where I felt dumb. He didn’t say anything rude or anything like that. Just loud and I want to just pinch him and tell him to “Shut the fuck up, please God!!!” I turned my head to the left and cried silently and motionless for a minute before I decided I had to stop now! I could have kept going.

Like I said his family has never done anything mean to me. They are decent to me…but they just don’t try to get to know me ever. Which I think makes me feel uncomfortable and like a total and complete outsider. He throws in my face that he did things with my family, and I explained that my family was nice to him though. My mother might say she doesn’t care for someone, but she is ALWAYS nice to them. There was never anything for my Mom not to like about Jeremy. She never hated him & despised him. So Jeremy was never ignored or what not.

Plus, my family is fun to hang out with. When we all got along we would act silly and laugh. Drink some beers, wine, take funny pictures, pick on each other and laugh. Everyone would have a good time. It wasn’t so stiff & dumb.

I’m basically told “Hi!” to, and that is that. Jeremy just does not get why I am uncomfortable. “They are nice to you!” Yes, they are cordial to me. Do they go out of their way to get to know their son/brother’s girlfriend? Absolutely NOT!!! My Mom, step-Dad & sister all would asked Jeremy things about him to get to know him better, they would conversant with him. My Step-Dad was always really nice to Jeremy. You know I bet that was nice having another guy there that was cool ya know? Jeremy’s Dad’s girlfriend had mistaken me for a chick Jeremy dated for 3 months who happened to be Pacific Islander with 3 piercings in her lip, the first time I met her. Then I get called Whats-Her-Face. It all kinda set the tone for me.

Does anyone ask me about my kids? Like “Hey how old are your kids again? What’s their names? What grades are they in?” or hey just to amuse me “You should bring your kids next time so we can met them.” Not that they give a shit about me or my kids, but I don’t know be nice. I mean Jeremy and I have been together for almost 3 years…and they know nothing about me, besides I am a divorced mother of 2. Which is possibly why I am so self-conscience about it. I mean that is all they know.

Anyway, he wants me to go over there for Christmas. Well can anyone tell me if they would be comfortable going to their boyfriends sister’s while his family all exchange Christmas gifts? I don’t know about you, but for me that SCREAMS uncomfortable! Last year, I went with him to his cousins with his Dad’s whole family. They all did this you pick a gift, and someone can take it from you if you like their gift better thing. Was I included? No, not at first. Why not ask Jeremy if I was coming along then I could have bought something. So then I get to feel like super-jackass when Jeremy throws in $20 cash so I can play. When really that is the last thing I wanted to do. I would have rather wne outside and chain smoked until they were done. Thankfully I got to go first, though cuz I sure as shit wouldn’t have been stealing anyone’s gifts.

So anyway, Jeremy cannot understand why on earth I would want to go! “He went to Christmas at my house!” He yells. Well that was Christmas morning, and that more then anything was all about my kids. There were a few gifts exchanged between my Mom, Step-Dad and us. My Mom also bought Jeremy a gift. To be honest I asked her not to forget him, because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable like I did at his families. I offered to buy the gift and say it was from them, but she said she was going to get him something anyway. I don’t even care if I have a gift to open, that would make me feel weird too. I think it is the whole situation. The way I feel around them. Next, time I have to go around them, I swear to god I’m getting drunk before hand. They can think I am an alcoholic if they want, at least I won’t give a shit.

 So now we haven’t spoken all day long, because of this Christmas crap with his family. Somehow “I don’t love him” if I don’t go. Or “I don’t love him as much as he loves me” (Yes, we act like we are 5) because he went to all my family functions, and I hardly ever go to his. Whatever. I haven’t had any family functions since February. You were never as uncomfortable with my family as I am with yours. At least he could relate to my Step-Dad, my sister and my brother somewhat. I guess I would feel more comfortable with his little sister then anyone. She seems the nicest. To bad so fucking sad though. I am NOT going to this little event either. I’m 31 years old, and if I don’t feel comfortable doing something…and I have the choice of subjecting myself to it or not…I’ll choose not to. Thanks so much!

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Originally uploaded by buffer.

Last night I was making the pies. I decided we didn’t need a huge apple pie. So I made little individual ones for us. Well I let the kids make theirs. Chase wasn’t as into it as Sheldyn was. I made my pie the same time she made hers. I roll my dough to show her how. I swear she is a natural at 6!!! She rolled the dough perfectly!!!

You know when you are watching little kids make things, and you just want to take over. I didn’t have that urge. She did everything from rolling out her dough to putting it in the cup to the apples int he cup, and the butter on top and putting her top dough on and tucking it under the bottom dough. Then she made the slits in the top…and when we were done…I thought her pie looked better then mine!!!!!

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So The next day I am still in shock over what happened last night. Completely and utterly shocked.

Jeremy told me he started to get really defensive when they were saying it was boderline abuse. Saying “Come on! This is the real world! I’m going to call my Dad and see if you can even be here!” Then the cop told him he better stop or he will just take Sheldyn right now. WHAT??? On what??? An accident??? Please tell me the is no parent who has ever hurt their child on accident? Am I the only one here?

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Total ridiculous craziness tonight at my house.

A little tidbit on last night…

Yesterday eveing I asked the kids to clean their room. I clean it usually every weekend. Spotless. Somehow during the week the 3 hours or so they are awake and playing they destroy their room. Looks like a bomb goes off in it. Trash and toys and clothes everywhere! So I asked them to clean it. They didn’t. I asked again. They didn’t. I was installing Sim City 4 on the kids computer for Chase and he was supposed to be cleaning as it loaded. Well he called me in because the screen went black. So I go in and the room hasn’t been touched. So I start yelling at them to clean their room. Sheldyn somehow thought she should pull out the huge rubbermaid container under her bed full of barbies amongst the disaster that is their room. So I walk in there and didn’t see it and stepped on it and twisted my ankle on the edge and started to fall. They have one of those plastic white resin chairs at the computer which is where I was falling. At the time I walked in Sheldyn was at the foot of her bed. So I grabbed the chair and tossed it on Chase’s bed to get it out of my way as I had no where to catch my footing. It was very fast and I didn’t even throw the chair with all my might. I picked it up with one free hand and threw it up onto his bed towards the end of the bed. Little did I know Sheldyn had moved during my fall to the foot of Chase’s bed, and the chair hit her on her cheek. She started crying, and I immediately went over to her, and she had a red scratch on her cheek. I felt absolutely horrible after it happened, and literally the entire night I was sad that it hit her cheek and hurt her. She was over it after I gave her a kiss and hugged her. I kept telling Jeremy, how bad I felt for it hitting her everytime I saw it. I was pissed they didn’t clean their room. I was pissed that I fell because they didn’t clean their room. I picked the chair up because I was falling and needed a place to land. I didn’t NOT throw a chair at my daughter’s face intentionally. I would have fallen on the chair had I known she was there rather then throw it in her general direction. I don’t even spank my kids. I don’t slap them. I don’t physically ever touch my children in an abusive way ever!!! If I am anything, it is a yeller. The scrath on Sheldyn’s face is like 1/2 inch long. It’s not deep, it’s a surface scratch!! Everytime she came up to me I told her sorry, it hit her.

So, back to tonight. I went to coffee with my friend like I usually do sometimes once or every other week. I get a text message from Jeremy about an hour later saying “Cops are here”. I thinking what the hell?? What kind of text message is that!!!! So I called him, and asked why the cops were there…and he said because of Sheldyn’s scratch on her face. I thought he was kidding!!!! So I start freaking out, and shaking like crazy. My friend had to drive me home, because I was shaking so bad. So I get here and there are 2 cops here. They said someone had called Child Protective Services about Sheldyn’s face. They took a statement from me, Jeremy, Sheldyn & Chase. Then they took pictures of Sheldyn’s face, and the kids room.

Jeremy said one of the cops told him that it is borderline abuse with how small the room is, I should have known where my daughter is at all times, and for me to be throwing chairs and not knowing where she is is practically abuse. Yeah, whatever guy. I didn’t throw the cahir with all my might because I was so pissed they didn’t clean their room. I lost my footing in the moment I was upset with the kids for not listening to me. I didn’t “throw” it. I tossed it up on the bed. It wasn’t a violent angry thing.

Soooo…now I have a little file with Child Protective Services, with a picture of my daughter in it…and I’m accused of abusing my child. I was crying as I was talking to the police, because it was so ridiculous and scary. I’ve been a mother for 10 years now. 10 years with a little boy who can drive you to absolute insanity. He will push you to your limit and then past it. I have never abused him. I have never been called on before.Then you have Sheldyn. The most easy going little girl, who for the most part listens to me. I never have a problem with her hardly EVER! I’d say she is on good behavior 98% of the time. There is never a time Sheldyn drives me crazy and gets me to my limit. Yet, I am abusing her, and I get CPS called on me, and a visit from the police. I wish her scratch would have been from the dog or something. I mean she is 6 years old. Little kids hurt themselves ALL THE TIME. Sheldyn constantly has bruises on her legs from playing. Chase will come home from school and have red blotches on his neck or face, to where it look hickey like…and I will ask him if someone at school hurt him, and he says no. What if they call on me again, because of something that just happened while they played???

Also, about a month ago or so…Chase came home from Chuck’s after the weekend. We were doing the drop off/pick up at my brother’s. I noticed bruises on his cheek. I asked him and he gave me a story on how he feel. Well the bruises looked like a hand print on his face, and it was still reddish inbetween the bruises. Chuck just sat there saying nothing. My brother was even like “Yeah, what is that?” Well come to find out Chuck smacked him across his face. I was so freaking MAD!!! I was pissed #1 that he smacked Chase in the face. I was pissed that he smacked him so hard that a day later he had his hand print on his cheek composed of bruises and red marks. I was sick about it. I mean I know Chase can push you to a point of wanting to spank his butt, but his face??? I can count the times I’ve spanked Chase on two hands, and everytime it was me losing control. He can push you so far you can get very angry. Everytime I’ve spanked him it was on his butt! Not his face! I jsut don’t think it’s right or does anything good to physically punish your kids…except cause pain. I was beat as a kid by my step-dad. I don’t believe in it. So I confronted Chuck about it. He said he felt horrible and he wouldn’t do it again. Chase had back talked him all weekend and he lost it. I said whatever, don’t let that happen again!!! I cringed evytime I saw Chase’s face. I dropped him off at school that Monday and was SO nervous they would report ME for it. I mean it was a very obvious handprint on his face. Eveyday the rest of the week I cringed and worried someone would report me about it. He said his teacher even asked him about it, and he lied and said he was just leaning on his hand. How sad.

So no report was made, and now all of a sudden for a scratch…I’ve been reported to CPS. I’m so mad about this, I cannot even tell you. I don’t abuse my kids. I don’t hit my kids. I don’t need police showing up at my house in front of neighbors, and making my children cry and scared and scaring me and making me cry and have my chest beat out of my chest for an accident…that was nothing malicous what so ever towards my child.

This school district is really wearing on me. The principle is annoying me. Chase is having problems at school. She calls us all the time. She freaks out when Chase and friend were play fighting. They are boys!!! They weren’t hurting each other, and certainly don’t need to be sent to the office and have parent’s called. I don’t need her looking at Chase’s behavior and then researching how my daughter is doing and lettingme know she is wonderful, but Chase needs to get a physical because he is showing signs of ADHD. Then calling me Monday and seeing if we had made an appointment iwth his doctor yet. Well, yeah we did…but you know what. Even if my kids is diagnosed with ADHD, I’m not so sure I would put him on meds because of it. I’m not sure that is something I feel right doing. Is that abusing my kid too? Then commenting how he looked nice today, and thanks for cutting his hair. He looks much better now. It’s like she is all up in my kids files, looking at what past teachers have said about both my kids. I am fine with her involvement with Chase, but I don’t get why she is all interested in my daughter too. Hey, she’s doing great at school. I know that. I know she’s a wonderful little girl. I don’t need your reassurance of that. What Chase does doens’t involve Sheldyn. I’m not a misfit mother who needs to be looked into. Chase’s behavior isn’t a product of his homelife, both my kids don’t have issues. Research Sheldyn when she has issues. I wouldn’t doubt if she was in Sheldyn’s classroom today and called on me…you know just so they could check out my homr or something. Something baout that woman is weird. I think the school made a big mistake today, and I almost wish I could pull them from that school to the one down the street, but I don’t want to do that to them.

Anyway, I’m an accused child abuser. Even though I don’t ever touch my kids when I am mad at them. I have a record now. Thanks Simi Valley School District! Your the greatest!

Now, off to build that protective bubble for my kids to live in. I mean just in case, you know they slip and get hurt. I would hate for the dog to jump on one of them and scratch them and have my kids taken away from me because of it. This is so fucking absurd, I cannot even tell you!!!!

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So lastnight Jeremy and I were up really late. We went to the movies late, and got home around midnight. We never ate dinner so at 1:30am, rather then go to bed, we went to Del Taco. As we pull in the driveway I see all this water coming from the end of the driveway. So I say something. Jeremy gets his flashlight, and checks it out. We couldn’t figure out where it would be coming from. It was coming from under the driveway!!! We check the water pressure in the house. It is barely there. The plumbing in this house sucks so much ass anyway. You can’ do laundry and shower or wash dishes. You can’t shower and wash dishes. Or shower and flush the toilet. Or have 2 people take a shower at the same time. It’s absurd!!!!!

So Jeremy calls the water company. They say it isn’t their thing. It’s on the property. Sooo this morning Jeremy calls the plumber at 10am. Who is a character. I wish I could imitate his voice for you. It’s funny. Anyway, he finally shows up at 2pm. Says he can’t fix it, because it’s underground. So he calls the landlord here, and he doesn’t answer. I tell Jeremy he needs to call him too. So he does and leaves a voicemail. An hour later no call back. So I tell him to call again. It’s not like a knob on the shower broke. WE HAVE NO WATER! I told him he needs to explain that we have no water, which means we can’t SHOWER! We can’t use the TOILET and FLUSH IT!!!! We can’t do laundry which I need to do. We can’t COOK, because we can’t clean up! Thanksgiving is on THURSDAY!!!! So I guess the idiot landlord called someone else, and that plumber called. Can’t get here until TOMORROW!!!!!! Sweet! I could shower today and wash my hair!!! How are my kids going to use the bathroom tonight! How will they bath. This BETTER be fixed by tomorrow!!!!!  

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Why is it so hard for me to update this thing? I don’t understand it.  I will think I should write a post, and then I think “Nah! I don’t feel like it!” I’m so damn lazy!

So today Jeremy and I went shopping for our Thanksgiving dinner. We got a 20 lb. turkey. I know we could have made a smaller one for the 4 of us, but I want left overs, and I want a lot of left overs. I figure we can freeze the access that we won’t be eatting within a few days.

Luckily for me, I saved the email my idiot mother sent me last year with all the ingrediants for her stuffing, and now I can make it. Since you know my Mother is the most aweful person I’ve ever met…and I have no family anymore.

My Mother is flying my brother and her daughter Sarah out to North Carolina for Thanksgiving. I thought that was special. I truly just do not understand how she did what she did to me in July, and has absolutley no remorse, or not enough to call me and beg me to forgive her. I’m truly baffled. I mean I can understand her precious daughter not doing it, as she is an very, very immature 22 year old who’s spoiled rotten and has her mother backing her up…but my Mom. I don’t understand.

To be honest I am really hurt, and it keeps popping in my head a couple times a day. I can’t change them though…so I can’t sit her and drive myself crazy with it or let it keep bothering me. I can cook Thanksgiving dinner with Jeremy and enjoy it with the kids and him. At least I have them.

So Jeremy and I keep talking about how we are going to season our turkey. We got some garlic, basil & rosemary. We are going to get a flavor injector and inject it with these things. I hope it turns out. I have NEVER made a turkey ever in my whole life.

I can’t remember if my Mom stuffed the turkey with stuffing our not? I know she baked it in a dish, but I think that was just the extra.

I still need to buy some little dishes and make little individual apple pies. I’m not going to make a big one, because between the 4 of us it will go bad. At least the little ones we can freeze the uneaten ones. Then going to make the 2 pumpkin pies.

I swear Thanksgiving for me is all about the stuffing (only my mom/grandma’s) stuffing, cranberry sauce (the jellied kind), & pumpkin pies!

Jeremy wanted Green Bean cassarole, but I don’t eat it so I told him if he wants it he can make it. He decided not to. Ha!

I need to get int he kitchen at somepoint today and make my pie crust and freeze it until Wednesday. One big step out of the way.

I think I get off work early on Wednesday and have Thursday & Friday off. That is exciting, except I don’t get paid. Whatever though. It will be a nice short week.

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Originally uploaded by buffer.

Some chick (the one in the picture) posted this on Jeremy’s Myspace. He’s the one to the far right. Isn’t he the cutest guy ever? I would have definitely liked him when I was younger. You know if I saw him.

Is it creepy that I think he’s really hot in this picture even though he looks and IS so young? Ha! He said he was like 17 or 18. Which means I was 15. Which means I was hitch-hiking to Hollywood and occasionally the Valley. Why couldn’t he have been one of the random guys to drive us home to Orange County for $20? Thyen I could have been with him all this time.

I have the hots for my boyfriends younger self.

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