I smoke a lot.

My brother and I were just talking about our health last week. I was saying “How dare our Dad, have heart disease & die of a fucking heart attack at 29!!!” He agree’d and said it was like “the curse of the century for us”.

It’s kinda funny how much, I realize my brother and I are alike. While we are each our own person, we are so similar in many aspects.

We are both laaaazy. Neither of us have any motivation. We are bad at keeping in touch with people. We don’t like chatting on the phone. We don’t return people’s phone calls, we both smoke even though we know our father’s heath history. We don’t exercise, or eat right, although he is far healthier then I am.

Months ago, my pinky and 1/2 my ring finger went numb. It was due to a nerve that runs up from your hand through the elbow. Well literally days after mine went away after a month stint, my brother complained of the same symptoms, I had. I told him I looked it up on the internet, and what it was and that it went away. He said he thought he was dying of a heart attack. When we were talking about how we both think we are having a heart attack on occasion, he said how he always has to stretch when he feels that way, and I laughed, because I do the same thing! Anytime there is a pain in my chest, I will stretch my arms up over my head. Like I’m going to stretch that heart attack outta there. We both feel doomed to die young.

I thought making it to 29, was going to cure the I’m going to die young…but it didn’t. It just made me think that my days were certainly numbered now. I could go at anytime. He feels like his days are numbered too.

We joked, how we continue smoking even though we know it’s killing us, and our Dad had heart disease. It’s horrible. I just want to quit smoking. I love it & hate it at the same time. I’m sure I am addicted to cigarettes in a chemical sense, but the addiction to smoking is much stronger in the whole act of smoking. That is what I really, really like. I hardly ever, feel like I need a cigarette. I will just want one, for the simple fact that I like to whole process of smoking. When I worked, I never, ever went out for a smoke break. I worked until lunch and then I’d smoke the entire time, and try to get as many in as possible. I never needed that cigarette though. I was never dying to have one. I used to take my lunch late too, like at 2pm.

 I’ve intergrated it into every aspect of my life. Driving is when I really love it. Smoking and listening to music, while in the car, is the best ever. Going to coffee, and chain smoking. Favorite! I used to not mind the 3 hour drive to Jeremy’s on the weekends, in stopped traffic, because I had music and cigarettes. I actually enjoyed it most of the time.

I want to quit though. I hate the smell of it. I hate how much they cost. I hate having to buy them, I hate the butts. I hate how people look at you, if they are a non-smoker. I just wanna quit, and I don’t know how. I hve no motivation, so how do I quit smoking?

Trust me I don’t want to die. I already am overweight, I have high blood pressure which I don’t keep on track with meds, like I should. I eat like shit. I really shouldn’t smoke. Everytime I found out I was pregnant, I remember, I would find out, and be in shoke and smoke that night, and the next day, I quit. It wasn’t hard, I didn’t crave a cigarette. I would just be done. Why can’t I do that now for my own life? The scariest thing to me is dying. I don’t want to die any younger then necesary. For one, because I actually like living, and life…but most inportantly, because of my kids. I don’t want to die, and leave my kids without a Mother. That is quite possibly the scariest & saddest thing in the world to me.

Anyone who’s quit have any suggestions on how to quit? Oh, and where can I buy some motivation?

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Man, I really screwed up my back good.

On Sunday, when I got home from taking my brother to the airport, I had his little dog, Maury in my arms, because I knew Betty would go ape shit crazy when she saw her. So I wanted to protect her from being mauled with curiosity and slobber.

So, as I already knew Betty went crazy with excitment. She was jumping up on me, which is normal anyway, and trying to sniff Maury. She was making the wildest noises. I have never heard it before or since. She was frothing at the mouth, and drooling all over me and Maury.

So, I was twisting and turning trying to avoid her powerful jumps, and all of a sudden it hurt to breath, and I couldn’t move my back. It was the most pain ever. So I had to go lay down. It felt better over the rest of the day, but now it’s a dull pain in my lower back, and it still hurts.

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I just had the most stressful 30 minutes of my life!

I went to get Chase from school. I hadn’t eaten yet, so we went to Del Taco which is down the street. I get in the drive thru, and turn the Bug off, because it is so loud. I go to turn it back on and it is just making sounds and not turning over. I am SO bad in these situations, because I instantly break out in a sweat and am freaking out inside, all the while trying to maintain composure. I’m freaking out about the guy behind me (who backed out), and the guy on the intercom, asking me if it won’t start. I am trying for a good 3 minutes to start it. So all the Del Taco dudes come out and push the car to a spot. I went in and paid, and thanked them. I called Jeremy, and he asked me if I turned the key all the way. Well the key has 2 positions. It needs to be all the way over to the right to start. We also have a button you need to push to start the car. So, I go try, and the car starts up right away. HaHa! Idiot!

Then we are on our merry ole’ way, and we are at the intersection and the gas pedal, which is an old roller thing that they used to use a loooong time ago, comes off the bolt. This happens occasionally, and the previous owner had rigged it up, and occasionally the little tiny nut will fall off, and then the pedal will slide right off the bolt. It’s uh not fun, especially trying to find that tiny little nut and then screwing it back on there. So, it comes off, the light just turned green, and I scream “SHIT!!!” Panic sets in again. The bitch behind be starts HONKING at me, and I was so freaking close to walking up to her window and knocking the shit out of her. So, I take my foot off the clutch while it’s in gear, and the car jerks to the right…Chase starts panicking, and nearly crying. I inch up to the crosswalk while letting the clutch out a little, and have to throw it in nuetral, and get out in the street with my ass hanging out to get the bolt in the hole on the pedal and hold it in place with my foot, until I got to my street, all of this quick like ninja before the light turned green again. I didn’t want that bitch behind me to honk at me again and get her ass beat.

Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! the kids have vowed to never ride in the Bug again until it is all done. HaHaHaHa!

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I swear I love Friday’s mor then any other day. The anticipation of the weekend, a break from the kids.

Today, I need to do the kids laundry as usual, and pack their bag. Then head on out to take them to meet up with their Dad in Koreatown.

I will be watching my brother’s dog next Sunday for an entire month. I am the kind of person who will more then likely say yes to anything, and then afterwards, I dread it big time. This is what I am doing now, dreading it.

I’ve watched my brother’s dog before, he said it was going to be a week, then it turned into 3 weeks. Or a week, and then it turned into like 9 days. So, I hope to God, that a month doesn’t turn into 3 months. He’s going to visit his girlfriend in France, andhopefully since he has a job he needs to come back to, he will be back in a month.

I love his dog, and all…but my dog Betty is still like a young dog, who wants to run around and she LOVES playig with other dogs. So being that my brother’s dog is little, she doesn’t like my huge dog pawingher head and chasing her and putting her mouth all over her. It’s very overwhelming for her. She hid the entier time she was here last time under my daughter’s bed. She only came out when I took her outside to go potty.

That’s another thing, my dogs just go out back to go potty. I have to actually take my brothe’s dog out to go potty. Pain in the ass!

Anyway, I gotta go get Sheldyn from school.

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Hello Peeps!

I am in desperate need of some incoming links to this here blog. I have a freakin’ Google Page Rank of 2, dude! 2!!! I need a higher page rank so I can take better Opps at Pay Per Post. I need to make some Christmas Money.

If you link me, I will totally link you back, man! Help a chick out! I love you long time!

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Chase jsut signed up for Baseball a couple weeks ago, and his first game is this Saturday. I just ran over to this site called Play Sports TV, and got some great sports instruction for Chase to try out while he’s at home.

The have sections on Baseball, Soccer, Football, Hockey, Tennis, Lacrose, & even Skatboarding! The site is really easy to use, and nice on the eyes. The best is these are all videos with is lovely. Expecially for a child. I watched a video on playing first base, and it shows you were you should stand on the base that will give you better control over first base. It’s very clear cut & informative. I’m actually going to go show this to Chase right now before I type anymore. Ok, so I am really impressed with the video’s. Maybe I can watch some more, so I can learn a thing or two about Baseball, and it will help me enjoy it a little better.

I love how they have sections for coaches and parents to help build their childs sportsmanship, and just helps make yoru child a more rounded athete. Not just in skill, but in attitude also!

There is also expert blogs which offer easy to understand advice and tips for the parent’s & kids. They have easy to understand stories for the kids, and also interviews with athletes and coaches to help educate, encourange and even motivate your kids!

I am book marking this page for now and the future! I already showed Chase, and I hear him inther now watching the video’s.
 

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I woke up at 11 today. It was nice.

 Chase is a super early kinda kid. He wakes up at like 7 or 8, when he can sleep in. Drives me nuts! Sheldyn on the other hand slept in as long as me!

It’s noon now, and I’m still in my underwear and tank top, that I slept in.

I need to jump in the shower, get ready, wash my bedding, and clean.

My dog, Betty is in heat right now. So she is bleeding. It’s freaking disgusting! We totally need to get her fixed. I know that seems not very responsible and all, but it’s not like she gets out and runs around town. She’s not going to have puppies, so there isn’t any risk there. It’s the bleeding and the constant licking of her va-jay-jay, that is disgusting. Especially for a dog who is obsessed with kissing her family. So she has been shunned from kisses the past day with her yucky bloody smelling breath. Ack! The best part is she bleed allover our comforter! Yummy! We need to get her somepads to wear around the house. I am glad however, that she doesn’t act like a cat in heat. Isn’t that the worst thing EVER? God! I remember my sister’s cat when she was in heat, and you just want to kill the cat with the constant meowing and crying and strange behavior. Betty’s just her normal self, with a swollen girl part.

Anyway, that is gross. I need to go jump in the shower though. I cannot prolong it another second.

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The kids are off school tomorrow. Which I am glad about because I don’t have to wake up early. Although I should.

I really need to get my sleeping patterns under control over here. In a perfect world, I’d go to bed between 10-11pm, and get up at 7am, shower and get the kids ready for school, & exercise.

I’m just SO tired in the morning though. Then I’m tired allllll day long, until 10pm rolls around and then I am wide awake. I usually go to bed about 1am, when Jeremy goes, then I play a game on my phone usually until about 2:45am or so. That’s usually when I feel sleepy. Then up at 7:30 to get the kids up and ready. I come home, and eat a smoothy for breakfast, go on the internet, and at about 9:30, my eyelids are droopy and I can barely stay awake. So, I cave in and go lay down, and the dogs and I sleep until about 12:30. Get up shower and get ready, then off to get the kids from school. Then I am tired the rest of the day.

When Jeremy gets home, we usually go lay in bed, and talk for a little, and kinda doze off for 30 minutes. It’s freakin’ ridiculous.

Lastnight, I didn’t play my game for very long at all, and turned it off before 2am. I laid there until 4:25am awake. I can’t seem to shut my brain off. I will lay there and think about the day, or the next day, or things I want to make or pictures. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking. Which is why I play my game.

I didn’t nap today, in hopes I would be really sleepy tonight. I’m not.

The other night, I took a benedryl at around midnight, and that made me so groggy the whole day. I slept until 1:30, that day.

I don’t know what to do.

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