I smoke a lot.

My brother and I were just talking about our health last week. I was saying “How dare our Dad, have heart disease & die of a fucking heart attack at 29!!!” He agree’d and said it was like “the curse of the century for us”.

It’s kinda funny how much, I realize my brother and I are alike. While we are each our own person, we are so similar in many aspects.

We are both laaaazy. Neither of us have any motivation. We are bad at keeping in touch with people. We don’t like chatting on the phone. We don’t return people’s phone calls, we both smoke even though we know our father’s heath history. We don’t exercise, or eat right, although he is far healthier then I am.

Months ago, my pinky and 1/2 my ring finger went numb. It was due to a nerve that runs up from your hand through the elbow. Well literally days after mine went away after a month stint, my brother complained of the same symptoms, I had. I told him I looked it up on the internet, and what it was and that it went away. He said he thought he was dying of a heart attack. When we were talking about how we both think we are having a heart attack on occasion, he said how he always has to stretch when he feels that way, and I laughed, because I do the same thing! Anytime there is a pain in my chest, I will stretch my arms up over my head. Like I’m going to stretch that heart attack outta there. We both feel doomed to die young.

I thought making it to 29, was going to cure the I’m going to die young…but it didn’t. It just made me think that my days were certainly numbered now. I could go at anytime. He feels like his days are numbered too.

We joked, how we continue smoking even though we know it’s killing us, and our Dad had heart disease. It’s horrible. I just want to quit smoking. I love it & hate it at the same time. I’m sure I am addicted to cigarettes in a chemical sense, but the addiction to smoking is much stronger in the whole act of smoking. That is what I really, really like. I hardly ever, feel like I need a cigarette. I will just want one, for the simple fact that I like to whole process of smoking. When I worked, I never, ever went out for a smoke break. I worked until lunch and then I’d smoke the entire time, and try to get as many in as possible. I never needed that cigarette though. I was never dying to have one. I used to take my lunch late too, like at 2pm.

 I’ve intergrated it into every aspect of my life. Driving is when I really love it. Smoking and listening to music, while in the car, is the best ever. Going to coffee, and chain smoking. Favorite! I used to not mind the 3 hour drive to Jeremy’s on the weekends, in stopped traffic, because I had music and cigarettes. I actually enjoyed it most of the time.

I want to quit though. I hate the smell of it. I hate how much they cost. I hate having to buy them, I hate the butts. I hate how people look at you, if they are a non-smoker. I just wanna quit, and I don’t know how. I hve no motivation, so how do I quit smoking?

Trust me I don’t want to die. I already am overweight, I have high blood pressure which I don’t keep on track with meds, like I should. I eat like shit. I really shouldn’t smoke. Everytime I found out I was pregnant, I remember, I would find out, and be in shoke and smoke that night, and the next day, I quit. It wasn’t hard, I didn’t crave a cigarette. I would just be done. Why can’t I do that now for my own life? The scariest thing to me is dying. I don’t want to die any younger then necesary. For one, because I actually like living, and life…but most inportantly, because of my kids. I don’t want to die, and leave my kids without a Mother. That is quite possibly the scariest & saddest thing in the world to me.

Anyone who’s quit have any suggestions on how to quit? Oh, and where can I buy some motivation?

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