I just dowloaded Matchbox 20’s first album. I had it, but it got super scratched up, and some Sublime. That got scratched up too. After ruining sooooo many CD’s, I started takig care of the few I had left.

Anyway, right now I’m listening to Matchbox 20. I used to be obsessed with them. I loooved them. I looooved Rob Thomas. I had such a crush on him. I even went and saw them once. Listening to it, takes me back to like 1996/1997. Living in my old apartment with baby Chase, being a new stay at home Mom. We were so poor and so young…but made ends meet. I actually remember it as being a happy time in my life. Adjusting to motherhood was a very easy adjustment for me. I was a good Mommy, and I remember taking lots of pictures of Chase. I’d pose him with all his stuffed animals or Doddie our Basset Hound, get him all dressed up. I used to be so on top of cleaning. The apartment was pretty much spotless with all our mismatched hand-me-down furniture. We only had one car, so we were pretty much stuck at home all day. My sister would walk home from Jr. High to our house to hang out with us. Those were the days of going grocery shopping, and checking out only to find out ATM card was rejected. It would be so embarrasing. So, they would wheel our cart into the back refridgerator and save it for us until the next day when I could borrow some money from my Mom until we got money to pay her back. That happened about 3 times. Or writing a check, hoping to God it didn’t go through until we had the money in the bank. Those were the days of a young couple just starting out.

Then I was listening to Sublime. That takes me back to a crazy time in my life. It was polar opposite of the time I listened to Matchbox 20. I left my husband, we were still living together, and I was on a path of complete selfishness and a bit of destruction. I was drinking a lot, and every single day I was drunk. I went through the motions of being a Mom, but I really wasn’t there. I made sure I was home, even though my day was pretty much spent out on my patio chain smoking, and writing in my journal. I didn’t leave at night until my kids were in bed sleeping…even though I was probably drinking since 5 p.m. I know the drinking was a way to cover up any sort of feeling I had, to get through the whole experience. I remember feeling dead inside. There was no emotion from me at all. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel bad for anything I was doing. Which was not me. I was a very emotional person, and to go from feeling to much to nothing at all, was odd. I remember thinking how weird it was, to watch the ex break down crying, and pleading with me to stay with him, and it did nothing to me. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel happy. I literally felt nothing. I think it was what I had to do to be able to get out of the marriage. I had to kill every feeling, and just go on autopilot. Although, I obviously was in pain. It was apparent by my actions. So, drowning them in a drunken haze was the answer. All the times, I was trashed and drove home. I am so lucky I never killed myself or someone else. So, so lucky. So, Sublime takes me back to a pretty sad time in my life. A time where it was filled with freedom, lonliness, sadness, confusion, and uncertainty. Even though at the time, I was thinking I was having a great time. I look back and cringe on the things I did. Seriously, I cringe!!! You know how people say they don’t regret things in their past, because it makes them who they are? Well, I regret numerous things I did, that did nothing to make me who I am today. I did things that I would never do with a clear mind. Things that aren’t even me or in my character. God, it makes me sick, and I would take it all back if I could. I would have approached the whole situation in such a different way. Although, I think the way I was and acted lead me to Jeremy. It really was a shot in the dark to find him, and we never, ever would have met if I wasn’t who I was then. So, that is the only good thing that came out of it.

Funny, now I don’t drink at all! I had a few beers on Thanksgiving, and before that on my Birthday.

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