I think I’ve uttered one “I really miss taking self portraits!” Since I abruptly gave up in April on Day 297. Today, would have been my very last day of the project. My last self portrait to finish out my 366th day. What a quitter I am! I really wish I would have stuck it out or quit sooner.

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Last Wednesday, I got the bright idea that I would cut my hair all off and go short. So, I made an appointment and got in on Thursday. I was so excited for a change…and a cute new hairstyle. I somehow forgot that I am fat, and when I am fat I do not look good with short hair. It makes my face look fatter, and me uglier.

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Quite sometime ago Jeremy put me on his bank account. I would say that it was because of my urging that we share money. Even though we did share money in a non-traditional way. He paid for rent and utilities, and I paid for food, cable, my internet and my cell phone bill. I never, ever used the ATM card I got from his account. As a matter of fact I never even activated it. So, I had to get another one. Which I have used a total of 3 times in the last week. I hate using it. I hate spending “his” money…and do so when I absolutely have too. Every. Single. Time. I do use it, he says not in a mean, rude way, but still says how he doesn’t have any money. So, then I feel like an idiot. When people make me feel like an idiot, it seriously fucking pisses me off! I have a Paypal debit card, which is linked to my checking account…and when work was slow for him, and he really didn’t have money, he just used that on whatever he needed money for. I never gave him shit when I saw that I all my money from doing Pay Per Post was gone. The money I had in there from selling a laptop bag, so I could put towards a more expensive laptop bag, was completely gone. Nope, not one word.

Yesterday, I noticed that I had 3 charges to my bank account that I did not make. One for $45.00 to some company that helps websites get more traffic or something, and 2 from the same place for $9, and $7. So, they deactivated my card. On Friday afternoon I promised the kids to take them to McDonald’s for breakfast this morning, and used Jeremy’s card, and also put $20 worth of gas (4 gallons) in my Bug. Then I realized I could use my Paypal until I get a new card.

I get home, and he calls me. I’m in a good mood, and then I always say in a joking fashion how I spent some of his money. I think it’s to take the comfortablenesses away or something when I let him know I spent money. Then he starts going into his thing on how he doesn’t have money. Then I’m pissed off and start yelling at him. Mind you he was totally serious, but when I call him out on it…it turns into he was just joking. Why can’t I take a joke? I’m just like Sheldyn and can’t take a joke, and he will never joke with me again.

He knows I feel uncomfortable using his money, and yet he says shit to me every time. So why the fuck would you joke about it to me, when you already know how I feel? See for me if I knew you felt uncomfortable doing something, I would go out of my way to make you feel like it was okay. I wouldn’t even be my sarcastic self about it. I mean why doesn’t he make fun of me and joke about me being a fat cow…cuz it’s just a joke?

That is why I never gave him shit about spending my “savings”, because I didn’t want him to feel like an idiot or bad. So, I just shut the fuck up.

So, now I am completely pissed off at him. Plus, I know he wasn’t joking. He does this all the time too. He says something that then pisses me off, and then all of a sudden he was “joking”. Oh you’re pissed? It was a joke! HaHa!

This shit takes me back to sharing money, and what a fucking piece of shit situation it was for me. I hated spending money, and always felt this tremendous guilt if I ever bought anything. Going grocery shopping was always filled with terror, that I would spend to much and get something frivolous we didn’t need, or buy something just because I wanted it. I would get shit, if I ever bought anything for myself. There is no way in hell I will ever be in that situation again, ever! So, I think I will keep my separate checking account forever. Then if I want something, I know if I can buy it or not, and there is no guilt.

Did anyone watch the Oprah show on Puppy Mills? It was on awhile back, and then there was another on sort of like an update or something yesterday possibly?

Well, I  recorded the origin show. I usually record Oprah, and delete the ones I don’t care about. So, I’ve had the puppy mill show on there for quite some time. I’d be looking for something to watch, and I’d go through the Oprah shows, and pass over that particular show. I wanted to watch it, but when I thought about it I got a knot in my stomach.

It recorded again yesterday or something, and it was at the top. There was nothing else on, so I pressed play. I started out covering my eyes. I watched a lot of the first 10 minutes like that. Then when I watched there was a lot of groaning, and me saying things like “I fucking hate people!”.

Then there was the happy parts where the man who rescues these dogs, takes them to the rescue, they get medical care, and groomed and adopted. Yay!

THEN! The show takes you to Fort Worth, TX. to a shelter. The guy there shows you the process of how they Euthenise the dogs. From the process of picking out the dog, they show the dog, he marks his card with a red “E”, and if that dog isn’t adopted that day…the next morning they are put to sleep, they show that mornings process “Let’s start with cage 1″, you see them going to get the dog. Then they show you them putting a dog down…I think…my face were covered with my hands as I sobbed.

I cried hard, and it was the saddest thing ever. I really can’t understand how people can do that. I understand that there are a lot of dogs out there, and what is the shelter going to do with the dog?

Yet, still it is so sad. It’s heart wrenchingly sad for me to watch dogs or animals in general to be mistreated. To me mistreated is leaving your dog in your backyard it’s whole life like it’s a plant or something, even if it’s had a dog house. Obviously mistreatment of dogs gets far, far worse then that…but I still feel really bad for those dogs left in yards or chains.

Before we got Betty, we went to a couple animal shelters in the Valley to look at the dogs and give them love. It seemed like at least 1/4 of the shelters was Pit Bulls. Same on Oprah. Every shelter they showed, had at least 2 Pit Bulls in the line of runs they went down. We spent time with all the Pit Bulls there, because you know the chances of them being adopted by a nice loving family is slim to none. Especially the really big guys who look a little intimidating, even though they are just a much love bugs as the chihuahua down the way.

I never really know what my passions are, or what I want to do with my life. I’m 32, shouldn’t I know this? Anyway, I do know that animals are a huge passion for me. They always have been. I like animals better then people. Dogs are my favorite though. I feel like I have a connection with them.

I’ve wanted to volunteer at a shelter and walk the dogs, and give them love. I just can’t bring myself to do it though. It’s emotionally draining going to the pound for me. It bums me out, and makes me sad. I get choked up as I leave, and feel like a jerk that I can’t bring them all home with me and give them love, and a warm comfy house to sleep in.

I think I could volunteer at a rescue at least they aren’t being squirted with a hose as their run gets cleaned out of the poop and urine. A place where the dogs are treated with kindness and love. So, even though they don’t have a home or a family they aren’t being mistreated.

So, I’m going to find a pit bull rescue that Jeremy and I can go volunteer at on the weekends.

Okay, I have weighed myself this morning when I got up. Then I took pictures of myself for before pictures…both in a bar and underwear, and also in clothes.

Frightening! It’s kinda crazy to see how different you look in a picture compared to how you see yourself in a mirror. Don’t get me wrong, I see fat in the mirror also. A lot of it! Yet, I do not see what I see in the picture.

My starting weight:

172.4 lbs.

36.1 Body Fat %

So, basically I am obese. Ha! Yay me! I’m obese!

Yesterday, I was supposed to start eating better, and exercising. Something happened though, so I didn’t go walk. Oh, I know what it was. I didn’t get to shower before I took the kids to school, or immediately when I got home because Jeremy was in there. If I don’t get int he shower first thing, my whole day will be screwed. I will sit at my computer in my jammies, until I have to take a shower and get the kids from school.

Today, I showered before I took them though, and then Jeremy and I went to Jamba Juice. I got that one you eat with a spoon, with strawberries, peanut butter, bananas, granola, and I don’t know what else. Anyway, it sucked ass. I ate a tiny bit of it, and threw the rest out. I should have just gotten the regular one I normally get. I came home and did a couple Carmen Electra work out video’s on OnDemand. One was a stripper dance thing. LOL! I was cracking up at myself, with my large round body doing these seductive moves. On one video she is on her back and brings her knees to her chest, and grabs around her knees. She’s skinny so they fit up there. I am doing this and my knees are like 12 inches form my chest, and not because I am not flexible. I am, but because I have an enormous amount of belly fat, and my fat boobs (who I affectionately refer to as pig tits..lmao!) where in the way.

I probably did about 30 minutes of exercise…but I don’t feel I gave it 100%. More like 75%.

So, I was starving my ass off this afternoon, and ate like 3 handfuls of those new Lays Cracker Crisps. Bad, but it’s not like I had a McDonald’s breakfast Jeremy originally wanted to have. Then I had a handful of microwave popcorn that I made Sheldyn when she got home.

Then that damn yogurt. I don’t even like yogurt all that much. I pretty much choke it down. So, that’s what I had today. Not much of anything good. I need to get to the store though, and pick up some healthy items to eat. I’m not intentionally trying to starve myself, but my stomach does need to shrink a bit.

I’m thinking I might go on a short walk tonight also. Nothing crazy, maybe just 15 minutes to get me into it again. I told myself if I exercise all week, that next week I can buy myself a tanning package and get tan this summer also.

As torturous as being at my brother’s work was on Saturday, it made me realize that I HAVE to lose weight, if I want to be happy at all…because I will never be happy at this weight.

Reminds me, I need to take some “before pictures” and weigh myself…and get the exact number down. I already know that I am in the 170’s. It’s the fattest I have ever been in my whole life. Fatter then when I was pregnant each time. Fatter then when I was unhappily married, and thought I was huge. Just fatter.

So, here goes!

On Saturday my brother’s girlfriend Agnes text messaged me on our way to Mongolian BBQ and asked if I wanted to go shoot some pictures and then hang out at my brother’s work…because you know he was working all night long.

    Jeremy gave me the stink eye, when he saw me wanting to go. I really wanted him to come along also, and hang out…and I wanted to be able to drink too. LOL!He didn’t end up going, which kinda pissed me off. I finally left the house late, what’s new, right? I actually looked at the clock when I left, and I left when I should have been in L.A. already! I was looking forward to at least a 30 minute drive. Somehow, I got there in 25 minutes, and Mapquest can go eat shit…because it told me to take a *left* instead of a *right*. I am horrible with directions, and I have no clue how to get anywhere in L.A., besides my brother’s house, Sunset, and yeah that ’s it i think. Ha! I should have asked my walking Thomas guide boyfriend before I left.

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