On Saturday my brother’s girlfriend Agnes text messaged me on our way to Mongolian BBQ and asked if I wanted to go shoot some pictures and then hang out at my brother’s work…because you know he was working all night long.

    Jeremy gave me the stink eye, when he saw me wanting to go. I really wanted him to come along also, and hang out…and I wanted to be able to drink too. LOL!He didn’t end up going, which kinda pissed me off. I finally left the house late, what’s new, right? I actually looked at the clock when I left, and I left when I should have been in L.A. already! I was looking forward to at least a 30 minute drive. Somehow, I got there in 25 minutes, and Mapquest can go eat shit…because it told me to take a *left* instead of a *right*. I am horrible with directions, and I have no clue how to get anywhere in L.A., besides my brother’s house, Sunset, and yeah that ’s it i think. Ha! I should have asked my walking Thomas guide boyfriend before I left.

The Cure was playing that night at The Hollywood Bowl, and when I turned around from my wrong turn, I was stuck in concert traffic. Saaaaweeet! Flipping FINALLY an hour after I left home, I find my street, and parked in the lot across the street for $10, which I watched rise throughout the night to $15, and then $20.

Agnes and I walked down Hollywood Blvd. and took some pictures. That was before she dropped my brother’s 35mm camera he uses all the time. That kinda ruined the mood for her, because she was stressing out over my brother’s reaction.

Then we went to the bar around 7ish. Luckily for Agnes my brother wasn’t mad at her, and we had a Corona. We smoked in the back of the bar…and it was kinda cool back there with nobody back there. My brother told us that we should ash on the floor, and to put your cigarette out on the floor. We were having a hard time doing so, so we used a Corona bottle as out ashtray. After 3 cigarettes had been smoked and ashed into the bottle, I went to take a drink of my beer, but instead drank the cigarette butt Corona. I wondered why it was so warm, and chunky?

I looked at the the bottle I had drank from and realized what was in my mouth. I spit the entire contents of my mouth onto the floor. Which was a lot. Oddly, it didn’t taste as bad as you would expect. The thought that I drank that and the chunkiness was far worse then the actual taste.

I drank 3 beers from 7-10pm, and was stressing out about driving home. I wanted to be 100% sober, before I got in the car. So, that kinda was a bummer to think about all night long.

So, I am at this Hollywood Bar, pretty much sober…I am so far out of my element (home in jammy pants), I have the mornings makeup on, my hair is flat and looks tired and a little greasy at the roots, and I’m dressed for the day time. I was so fucking uncomfortable, I cannot even tell you.

On a normal day, I feel like a fat cow. Like the largest, fattest woman to ever walk the face of the earth. Or at least the ugliest fat chick to walk the earth. There are some girls out there and they are still cute fat. They can wear cute clothes, and have their hair and makeup all done up and you don’t even really notice they are fat. Me however, I do my makeup and my hair, and then I look like an unfortunate victim of fat. I don’t look good or even decent with weight on me. It really makes me look ugly!

Okay, so we get that I was feeling very large. So yeah on a normal day out and about, I am so self conscience of my weight, I’m pretty sure every single person who can see me, is looking at me, and thinking to themselves…”Holy SHIT! That chick is fat & ugly.” Low self esteem much? So, now I am at this bar, and really I just want to be invisible, and I’m feeling EXTRA fat. So, whenever anyone looks at me, I am uncomfortable. I found myself standing facing away form everyone else. Trying to be invisible. This is making me even more uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I am standing next to A, and she is the tiniest girl in the whole world. Like 5′1″ and 90 lbs. So, this just accentuates the roundness of my body and face.

When, I was thin around 125ish…and I went out…I was so outgoing and talkative, and happy. Guys used to come up to me all the time and talk to me. Not that I wanted guys to talk to me, it’s the ego thing…that night, I had 2 idiots even acknowledge my presence…when they came up to talk to Agnes. the other guys who came up to talk to her, acted like I wasn’t even there. I was invisible, because I am fat!

I even tried to break out of that mental fuck I was in, but I couldn’t do it. I was far to deep in it. I told myself, I am exercising my fat ass off…because I sure as fuck am not going to feel like a fatty when my sister comes out, and when I go to N.C.

On top of the fatness. Whenever, I am out and stuff…and talking to strangers…I feel like my Mom! I feel just like her. I talk like her, I sound like her, and I just feel like her. Nothing against my mom, I love her dearly. She’s a pretty Mom, and she’s not dorky or anything, but I hate feeling just like her.

I arrived home close to 3am, no drunk drivers killed me, I didn’t get pulled over…and all day Sunday I wanted to die from exhaustion, and sore feet, and back!

So, I am feeling ultra frumpy around all these girls who are all done up for the night…and I felt old as fuck! I sat at that bar from 7pm-1:50am, wishing for home. Wanting to be in my p.j.’s on my computer in my chair at home and comfy. It was mental torture.

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