Ok, so to top off the fact that I feel fat and ugly…I go and get a haircut weeks ago. Remember? I think I’ve said before that I’m not an overly picky person. I can not like something, and just deal with it. To where it doesn’t bother me at all. Well my haircut right now, I absolutely despise! I feel so UGLY with this hair. The chick just royally fucked up my hair. Really fucked it up. I am 100% positive that I could have cut my hair better to where it somewhat looked like the picture, better then this chick. If I could take my head off my shoulders, I would cut my own hair, and it would look good. I’m confident it would. My hair resembled the picture like 0%.

Most days, I wash my hair, blow dry my bangs, and throw the rest of my short little hairs in the smallest most ridiculous ponytail ever. That is my new hairstyle. Thank you lady who cut my hair. You’ve done just the opposite of what the point of your job is. Rather then me feeling cute with my new haircut, you’ve made me feel uglier.

I don’t think you should have to spend $200 for a haircut for the stylist to know types of hair, and what types do what, and what kinda cuts you should do on those hair types. I would think that would be common knowledge, like knowing what the scissors do, and what hair colors do what. Call me crazy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting hair if I didn’t know that.

It’s partially my fault though. I knew that razor cuts and my hair didn’t really work well together. However; I also never had such severe, ugly layers put in my hair with a razor either. I wasn’t asking for them either, so yeah, not my fault. Anyway, it’s going to be a long year, waiting for this hair to grow. I guess we can watch it with my 365 pictures.

What have I learned through all of this?

-Do not do an extremely different style until you’ve found someone who knows your hair, and cuts it good.
- Tell the hairdresser about your hair, what you know looks good, and what you know doesn’t work (ie: razor cuts).

While my sister was here, we were talking about how different I was right after I announced I was getting a divorce. How it wasn’t even me really. I quit doing everything I liked to do (cooking, baking, crafts), and I was all about socializing and partying. I didn’t give a shit what people thought about me. I did random things, I pushed myself to experience things, I did stupid things, I did what I wanted, and what made me happy, and I was confident. I was on my very own trip, and everyone was invited that wanted to come.

It’s really weird actually.

I was just sitting here thinking about how uncomfortable I am being “me”…and how odd it is that there were 2 different Stephanie’s. I look back on those times, and think about that Stephanie. She’s like an old friend, you lost contact with. The friend that you kinda looked up too, and envied. There was something about her, that was alive, and exciting. Almost dangerous. I liked her. I want to be more like her.

I remember vividly the time that Chuck said to me during the divorce times…

“I HATE the new Stephanie!”

then I said:

“Funny! I was just thinking about how I LOVE the new Stephanie!”

The me now, is introverted, a homebody (who really wants to do lots of things, but is to uncomfortable with me.), shy, timid, worry wart, sad, mad/angry, limited.

It boggles my mind on why I don’t lose weight. How many times have I said that I am going to lose weight? So many. Countless. I really just do not get it?! It’s like I am punishing myself or something. I’m keeping myself in an area that I hate, that I feel so uncomfortable doing anything in public or around people. My weight and how I look is something I think about numerous times a day if not constantly on my mind. Just going out and getting the mail, I’m positive that the neighbors are looking out their window and thinking what a fat ass I am. That sounds ridiculous, I know…but I’m not exaggerating.

So, if this is something I think about all the live long day, something I HATE, something that bothers me more then anything else, then why in the hell do I say I’m going to lose weight and exercise, and eat right, and the next day I am eating like shit first thing in the morning? Exercise is a fleeting thought. Always ending in a reason why I can’t do it. (It’s too late in the day, I have to do it early. It’s too hot. I already ate like shit. I’ll do it later. Too late. HA!)

I try to remember what made me do it last time. Then I remember. It’s not something I give a shit about now. I remember noticing that no guys ever checked me out, specifically one. That bugged me. So, I decided to change that. I remember looking in the mirror and being so disgusted with myself. That was it. Soon, I was getting checked out. Now, however, I want to be checked out by just my boyfriend. I want him to think he has the hottest girlfriend around, and can’t keep his hands off of me. Not that he has ever said anything bad about how I look, but come on. I definitely don’t look like I did when we first met.

I want to get that fun and exciting Stephanie back, but still hold onto all the good things about me now. I want to feel good about myself. I’m 5′4″ and I weight like 173 lbs. With my height, and just how I gain weight, I look like shit with extra weight on. Even 20 lbs overweight looks bad on me…and I am 50lbs overweight! I just don’t know how or what in the world can make me get in that frame of mind to where I’ve had enough.

Last Wednesday, I got the bright idea that I would cut my hair all off and go short. So, I made an appointment and got in on Thursday. I was so excited for a change…and a cute new hairstyle. I somehow forgot that I am fat, and when I am fat I do not look good with short hair. It makes my face look fatter, and me uglier.

So, I brought in a picture of the cut I wanted. I wanted a bob, but I wanted it wispy on the ends, not a blunt cut. I said I wanted the ends to sweep my shoulders. I still wanted it longish…but short. The cut I picked was longish.

She said she would have to do a razor cut, and I know my hiar hates razor cuts. My hair is very course, and thick. Not thick in that I have a ton of hair, but a single hair is thick. Plus, I have gotten many a haircuts where I could have layers with scissors.

Obviously, by my after picture above, I didn’t even remotely get the same haircut. I am not a very picky person either. I don’t freak out over major changes to my hair…and I don’t have crazy expectations. I realize the girl in the picture has finer hair then I do. I realize it will look a little different on my head. Yet, these are two different hairstyles.

To top it off, I have no idea how she styled it. So, my hair really looks like shit now. Proof:

After she cut it, she showed me the back. I always have major issues with the back of my hair when people cut it. I looked at it, it looked okay. I went home. I pulled my short hair through a cap and bleached it. I washed my hair, and went to style it. I looked at the back and it was fucking crooked. There was absolutely nothing wispy about the ends of my hair. All she did was razor the shit out of my hair, and didn’t even make it even. Do I have a lopsided head where stylist cannot for the life of them cut it straight? Am I like a 5 year old in the chair wiggling around and they just can’t get it straight? What’s the deal, Lucille?

So, my brother and Agnes come over and Agnes tells me it looks like an older woman from the back. My brother tells me I look like my Mom. Yay! Just what I was going for! Ha! I totally agreed with Agnes, that is what I thought when I looked at it. I took my scissors to it a bit, and threw it in a tiny little ponytail.

My Mom came over on Friday and cut it a bit and made it more of an angled something or another. Either way it looks better, but not good.

It baffles me people! Baffles me that there are people who cut hair for a living, and have been doing so for years. Yet, I have a better eye then they do, and I can take no education and my huge sewing scissors to my hair, and make it look better then they can with their professional equipment and training.

So, it seems I am not on the look out for a new stylist who can actually cut fucking hair. I suppose my next haircut will be at a pricer salon.

Why is it you look at pictures of yourself with long hair, and you long to have it back. Yet, when it’s on your head you hate it and it’s boring? How I wish I never touched my hair last week. I don’t see myself liking it anytime soon until it is long again.

Remind me in like 2 years when I want to chop my hair again, to look at pictures of me with short hair. That will change my mind real fast.

How I wish it were really that fast.

I’m so excited! I just booked an appointment to get my haircut this Saturday! I found a salon on the internet that I’m going to give a shot. Let’s hope I get a good haircut. I haven’t had one in a really long time. Like years actually!

I am going to go for something like this: