I just had a pretty bad panic attack. My heart is still pounding in my chest, and I’m still shaky.

I haven’t had one in a while, and this time I am all alone. I think when I’m alone it is even worse then if someone’s home. Even if the kids were home, it would be better.

So, this time I’m reading Perez Hilton and all of a sudden, I feel my chest tighten, heart starts beating really fast, I’m taking deep breaths, because I feel like I’m not getting enough air, and I’m sure that I am going to die any minute. So, I get up and stretch my arms out, which I tend to do when I feel weird in my chest, walk to the front door, and open it so I don’t feel so alone.

It’s so much better when Jeremy is here and I can go tell him. It makes me feel better.

I’ve been out of my blood pressure medicine for a few days. So, then I start freaking out thinking I’m having a heartattack because I haven’t taken it. So, I call CVS, and check and it’s there. So I started feeling better.

Man, those attacks are so icky. I don’t understand why they happen, or what that medication (Lorazepam) is supposed to do for my panic attacks. They come on suddenly, and leave fairly quickly. The pill isn’t going to hit me within seconds, and by the time the pills hit me, my panic attack would be long gone. What’s the point in taking some highly addictive sedative hypnotic drug. I guess that’s the reason I’ve never taken one.

Ok, so to top off the fact that I feel fat and ugly…I go and get a haircut weeks ago. Remember? I think I’ve said before that I’m not an overly picky person. I can not like something, and just deal with it. To where it doesn’t bother me at all. Well my haircut right now, I absolutely despise! I feel so UGLY with this hair. The chick just royally fucked up my hair. Really fucked it up. I am 100% positive that I could have cut my hair better to where it somewhat looked like the picture, better then this chick. If I could take my head off my shoulders, I would cut my own hair, and it would look good. I’m confident it would. My hair resembled the picture like 0%.

Most days, I wash my hair, blow dry my bangs, and throw the rest of my short little hairs in the smallest most ridiculous ponytail ever. That is my new hairstyle. Thank you lady who cut my hair. You’ve done just the opposite of what the point of your job is. Rather then me feeling cute with my new haircut, you’ve made me feel uglier.

I don’t think you should have to spend $200 for a haircut for the stylist to know types of hair, and what types do what, and what kinda cuts you should do on those hair types. I would think that would be common knowledge, like knowing what the scissors do, and what hair colors do what. Call me crazy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting hair if I didn’t know that.

It’s partially my fault though. I knew that razor cuts and my hair didn’t really work well together. However; I also never had such severe, ugly layers put in my hair with a razor either. I wasn’t asking for them either, so yeah, not my fault. Anyway, it’s going to be a long year, waiting for this hair to grow. I guess we can watch it with my 365 pictures.

What have I learned through all of this?

-Do not do an extremely different style until you’ve found someone who knows your hair, and cuts it good.
- Tell the hairdresser about your hair, what you know looks good, and what you know doesn’t work (ie: razor cuts).

Last Wednesday, I got the bright idea that I would cut my hair all off and go short. So, I made an appointment and got in on Thursday. I was so excited for a change…and a cute new hairstyle. I somehow forgot that I am fat, and when I am fat I do not look good with short hair. It makes my face look fatter, and me uglier.

more…

This goddamn video isn’t posting either…so follow the stupid link if you want to watch it…which I wouldn’t want to if I were you because it’s long, and you have to listen to me bitch, and you have to look at my double chin the whole time. It’s like torture. Anyway…that’s it. I hate today. Good Bye!

I really need to start blogging more. I don’t understand why it is so hard to write stuff up here. Maybe because I know nobody reads this crap here. So it’s like…eh…whatever…ya know.

I’m really, really grouchy right now. I have some things that are annoying to me. I just want to bitch, and bitch about it here…but I am going to refrain.  At least for now.

The one thing that is bugging me is something that comes up so frequently. I’m almost sick of it pissing me off. I want to not give a shit about it anymore. I want to not even want it anymore. Yet, I still care, I still want it, and it still freaking pisses me off to no end. What sucks is I’m all fine and dandy, and then something makes me think of it and BAM! I’m pissed off. Also, not only does it piss me off, it hurts me inside. I want to cry about it. I want to yell at him, but at this point bringing it up again it’s just pointless, you know? I’ve brought it up SO MANY times…and it never gets resolved, I never feel better about it. It’s all just a big fat piece of shit on my plate.

Anyway, maybe tomorrow I will do a video blog about it.

So far this year the whole 3 days, Jeremy and I have been fighting. I wrote a couple days ago on the message boards I go to that we don’t fight during financial struggles. Mind you we just started sharing money…but we are totally struggling right now.

Jeremy has never been a real stress case about anything. He’s always the type to be like “What can you do?” I’m usually the one crying over being broke.

Well, he’s totally stressing out, man. While I’m laughing having a good time as we walk through Target picking the necessities and passing over the things I would buy if I had the money…he’s getting all bent out of shape over me joking around that “we are so rich!”

Jeremy has always had a pretty good sense of humor, except when he feels like your teasing him. Then he can’t take a joke…which is annoying. It’s okay to laugh at yourself ya know?

Anyway, work has been slow for him. He worked a whole 2 days last week, and so far this week he worked today only.

So, last night we are at the grocery store, and his bitching about being broke, and I’m being sarcastic saying “I don’t know what your talking about! We have SO much money right now!” then he’s raisinghis voice saying how we need to pay the electric bill, and I’m like well we need to eat too. Then he says it again. Well I got pissed off. Yeah , no shit we need electricity…but I have 2 kids who need to eat. I’m not walking around buying expensive meats and nonsense shit we don’t need. I got some bread, milk, cereal, waters, capri suns, crackers. It was like he was getting pissed that I was buying all this stuff. Then he’s like “Sorry I’m a loser!”

Whoa! Where did that come from? So, it’s like he’s feeling like he’s a loser and like I’m thinking that also. I’ve never thought he was a loser or is a loser. Works slow, what are you going to do, ya know?

Anyway, we are fighting. I’m sick of his attitude. Hey, guess what? We are broke. Get over it. Stressing out isn’t bringing money in, so laugh have a good time, and get over it. Shit always gets paid. There have been times I’ve had NO money, and have had large bills due, and somehow it always works it way out.

Plus, there is a lot of shit that is bugging me right about now with him. The way he runs to his office and shuts the door and stays in here all. night. long when we are fighting. The way he can’t have a conversation after a fight without yelling and walking away from me, only to return later and start the conversation again to do the SAME thing. The way he thinks the next day everything is fine and dandy and thinks he can talk to me like nothing happened. Or how he can go to sleep no problem when we are fighting. Or, or, or.

Yes, that is me. The slacker! I have already missed an entire day of PPPing and blogging. Day 2, and I already sucked! So, since my pagerank is a freaking 1, my PPP opps are the cheap ones. Sucks. I signed up for the most things ever, and it never goes up. So, apparently I’m really boring and nobody likes me. Hmph! Anyway, I missed out on at least $15 from doing PPP. That sucks.

It is hard right now because I don’t have a computer. So I am using Jeremy’s when he isn’t on it playng videogames. I can’t even walk into the kids room to get on theirs. So whatever.

Another thing that is pissing me off, is that I can’t get my damn pictures off of my camera. So, we went to Best Buy to get a card reader, because Jeremy’s computer doesn’t recognize my camera. Well it doesn’t recognize the card reader and won’t install it. Pisses me off!!! So, I install my camera software. Still won’t recognize my camera. WTF???

This is crappy because Jeremy’s computer has Photoshop on it and I need it to edit my pictures. So, now I’m going to have to make a trail through the kids room, upload my pictures, put them on Flickr, go to Jerms computer and sae them all. What a pain in the ass, man!!! I need a new laptop bad!!!

I need $966 more before I can get it! Ack! It’s going to be awhile!

I am probably the least motivated person you will ever meet. The only thing I am motivated to do, are the things I have to do.

WHAT I AM MOTIVATED TO DO

• I am motivated to get the kids up and ready for school.
• I am motiated to feed my children.
• I am motivate to make sure they do their homework, and sign it off.
• I am motivated to get the kids to take baths and go to bed.
• I am motivated to wash their clothes on Friday and pack their bag for their Dad’s.
• I am motivated to take them to their Dad’s and pick them up on Sunday.
• I am motivated to wash my clothes when I run out.
• I am motivated to clean the house when it is a complete pig sty and I can’t stand sitting in it any longer.
• I am motivated to clean the bathrooms, when they start looking worse then a truck stop.
• I am motivated to do the dishes, when the sink is so full you can’t rinse another plate…or there are no more forks. Which ever comes first.
• I am motivated to go grocery shopping when there is absolutely nothing to eat.
• I am motivated to get out of bed, but only at the last possible minute.
• I am motivated to get showered and ready when I know I have just enough time, before I have to leave to get the kids from school.
• I am motivated to get something to eat, when I am completely starving to death.
• I am motivated to take a nap, whenever I feel like it.
• I am motivated to go to bed, at the last possible minute.
• I am motivated to sit on the computer all day long.
• I am motivated to chain smoke and kill myself, even though I know it is bad for me, and I really want to be able to quit.
• I am motivated to take my 365 picture for the day, but 98% of the time, I wait until almost bed time. When I know I’d get a better picture during the day.
• I am motivated to wash Jeremy’s clothes, when he tells me he’s on his 3rd day of wearing the same boxers and socks and jeans and a recycled shirt.

That’s all I can think of now, but hey, you get the picture. I am one lazy god damn person! How does one have motivation to do things at all. I totally lack it. Inside me, I want to be like Martha Stewart. I am really anal about things, and I like perfection, but my whole life around me is a fucking mess! You’d never know. I love organization. I like things to be lined up perfectly. I love cleanliness, but I don’t do that at all. I wash my clothes, and then I throw them up on top of my dresser, which turns into a mound of balled up clothes, that I pick from. You can’t even see the floor of our bedroom, because Jeremy’s clothes are covering the entire floor. I swear to god, we walk on clothes and not carpet.

When I was married to Chuck, he expected me to clean the house while he was at work, and do the laundry. So, I did that. He used to work Saturday’s for most of our marriage, and on Saturday’s, I cleaned like a mad woman! I was literally on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen & bathroom floors with a brush and rag. I was scrubbing the stove perfectly clean. Wiping down cabinet doors, and cleaning the refridgerator. scrubbing the shower and sink. Vacuuming, dusting, doing laundry and bedding. I would wake up at 8am, and start cleaning. I’d finish cleaning in time to be showered and ready by the time he got home. I was on top of it! Only because it was expected of me though.

Jeremy on the other hand, is so laid back and easy going. He doesn’t expect me to clean all day or anything like that. He would never tell me that. He doesn’t even bitch when he doesn’t have clean clothes. He just tells me, in hopes that I will wash some laundry for him the next day.

I kind of wish he as more demanding…but not really. I really wish I had just an inkling of motivation. I don’t even have motivation to do the things I like to do. Like taking pictures, or crafting. I just don’t, and it’s sad really. It’s almost like I’m wasting my life just sitting on my ass. I get nothing accomplished.

I have been putting a little effort into getting things caught up round the house. When I say little, I mean little, but it’s still effort.

I started with the first thing that was out of control, and I couldn’t stand. The laundry. Jeremy has a lot of t-shirts. I would say possibly 100. Then I’d say he probably has like 30 pairs of jeans. So when I slack off on the laundry, he just keeps wearing clothes, and every day there is a new pair of jeans and a new t-shirt added to the bedroom floor.Now, I do do laundry. Except I only do about 3 loads a week. I don’t have a lot of clothes, neither does Chase, so I can get our done in 3 loads. What motivates me to do this, is I need clean clothes, and the kids are going to their Dad’s. I know Jeremy has a lot so I don’t have to wash his all the time. So I don’t wash is often. Maybe once a month, which then leads to our bedroom floor covered in his clothes and boxers. Oh yeah, he probably has 30 pairs of boxers also. So, we walk on clothes. It’s really bad.

So far I’ve washed 36 t-shirts, and 10 pairs of jeans of Jeremy’s. I’ve folded 2 huge basketfuls of clothes. Hung the kids clothes up. I got in the habit of just laying them over their beds, to get to later, but never “got to it”. If I just did one load every other day, I’d be good. So, I am going to stick with it, until it is done.

I’m working on a schedule for myself, and I’m also working on a list of things that need to be done around the house.

Jeremy & I are really similiar in how we are both slobs. He doesn’t push me or make me feel like I have to do such and such to the house or he’s gonna get mad at me and wonder what I did all day while he worked. He’s actually said how he’d do the same thing if he were me. So there is no one to answer to, for being lazy.

However, I’m tired of it. I just want to live in organized, clean bliss.

I swear I love Friday’s mor then any other day. The anticipation of the weekend, a break from the kids.

Today, I need to do the kids laundry as usual, and pack their bag. Then head on out to take them to meet up with their Dad in Koreatown.

I will be watching my brother’s dog next Sunday for an entire month. I am the kind of person who will more then likely say yes to anything, and then afterwards, I dread it big time. This is what I am doing now, dreading it.

I’ve watched my brother’s dog before, he said it was going to be a week, then it turned into 3 weeks. Or a week, and then it turned into like 9 days. So, I hope to God, that a month doesn’t turn into 3 months. He’s going to visit his girlfriend in France, andhopefully since he has a job he needs to come back to, he will be back in a month.

I love his dog, and all…but my dog Betty is still like a young dog, who wants to run around and she LOVES playig with other dogs. So being that my brother’s dog is little, she doesn’t like my huge dog pawingher head and chasing her and putting her mouth all over her. It’s very overwhelming for her. She hid the entier time she was here last time under my daughter’s bed. She only came out when I took her outside to go potty.

That’s another thing, my dogs just go out back to go potty. I have to actually take my brothe’s dog out to go potty. Pain in the ass!

Anyway, I gotta go get Sheldyn from school.