Yesterday, I went into my kids bathroom to put something in there, and I noticed pee all over the floor around the toilet. I went bitching at Chase. He lied and said it wasn’t him…it was the puppy. I would believe that if say it were on the rug in the bathroom, and not around the toilet. He’ll be 12 in less than a week, and yet he can’t manage to get his pee in the toilet. Isn’t that pretty ridiculous? What do I need to go buy him targets to pee on, like he’s 2 years old? Either he didn’t get one single drop of pee in the toilet, or every time he pee’s he pee’s on the floor a little. So, I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out at the thought of having to go mop up my 12 year old’s urine off the bathroom floor, after I was done picking up everyone’s shit from around the house just so I could dust. Then soak up the 2 piss spots I found from the puppy on the carpet so I could vacuum.

Huge tears, barely able to catch my breath tears. Then! Then I walk to my bedroom to put all this shit Jeremy pulls out and never puts away in there, and I hear Sheldyn snickering as I left the living room. I knew she was laughing at me for crying the way I was, and that just really, really fucking hurt. I can still remember when my mom cried when I was a kid, and I was always really worried, and sad for her, and I remember going and hugging her and trying to make her feel better. She was my Mom, and was crying. No, my kids laugh at me. It’s making me cry right now. I feel like such a failure in life, but especially with my kids. I have failed obviously. I haven’t raised loving, compassionate children. They are mean.

Chase talks back to me constantly. He’s disrespectful, he’s rude, he’s a slob, he lies, and he does bad in school.

Chase has so many issues I can’t even type it all up here, because it’s just embarrassing.

I have once again put myself in a situation where I am stuck, and dependent on someone else. I thought 6 years ago, I wanted freedom, and independence. I have none of that. My life literally depends on a couple of people. I don’t go out and do anything to improve my life because I’m pretty sure I’m not a very smart person, and I will fail at anything I try. I won’t even try because I have no self esteem because I am so fat and ugly.

I have had a boyfriend for nearly 5 years now, who just doesn’t ask me to marry him even though he’s acted as though that is what he wants. Now, I’ve bitched about it so much, that if it ever did happen which I won’t hold my breath for, it won’t mean what it is supposed to mean. He says we can go get married this weekend, but I just thought and wanted that special moment or that feeling of knowing he was asking me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Not because I bitched about it for years. The whole proposal thing. Ruined. I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t want to marry him now because I truly feel like he doesn’t really love me like he used to. I was the one who suggested I move in with him. I pushed and pushed and pushed for that. That wasn’t him. Do you think he would have quit his job, and left the city he lived and grew up in to live with me 90 miles away? Hell fuck no! Not only did I do ALL of that, but I moved my kids up here also, so I could be with him. He never, ever would have done that for me, ever. Which looking back on it speaks volumes to me. Jeremy actually has never really sacrificed anything for me, besides having roommates who sometimes paid rent to him.

I always thought that I would own a home by the time I was 30. I’d have nice things, and be comfortable financially. I’m 33 years old, and I’m so poor my kids qualify for free lunches at school. The only car I have is 43 years old, because I am such a loser that my other car got repossessed. I live in a shitty little house, that I’m not even supposed to live in because I’m not on the lease…and couldn’t be because I have horrible, horrible credit. My credit is so bad, that even if I started to try to fix it, I wouldn’t have decent credit until I was in my 40’s. I will never own a home. I can’t buy a car. I’m still stressing out over being able to buy my kids birthday presents. Let alone Christmas presents.

I was more on track, and my life was more promising when I was 21 years old with a brand new baby…and I was poor as can be. When I die, there will be nothing that I have accomplished besides being a loser who never did anything with her life. It’s a wasted life I lead. It has no hope or promise.

I’m a pretty miserable person, and I often feel like I have nobody. Like nobody really loves me. I don’t love myself. I don’t even like myself. I think my dogs are the only ones who really like me, and that’s because I give them food.

It’s pitiful and sad. I have nothing. I am nothing.

Wish me luck!

Yes, we are completely fucking nuts, and are totally irresponsible. It was bound to happen at some point. Usually, we are able to come to our sense before we jump. However, this time the guys were letting everyone pick up the puppies. Touch them, and love on them. It was also hot as hell, like 107 degrees. So, I’m sure that lead to the temporary lapse in judgment also.

So, it has been 9 days. Which have flown by really fast. I think a lot of it was because my sister was down. She’s gained over 2 pounds, and I think she looks fuller. I took her to the vet last week, and he said she looked about 5 weeks, and not 3 weeks. So, I don’t know how old she is. LOL!

She has went from sleeping all day long, minus about 15 minutes a day, to sleeping in 2-4 hour increments, with boughts of being awake for 15 minutes- 1 hour.

Right now she is “nursing” on Betty. Betty’s boobies at the bottom seem to look big, like real boobs! I don’t know if she is lactating or what? Annabelle keeps going for the same nipple, and it’s all pink/red and sore looking. Yet, Betty just lays there like a new Mama…letting the baby suck away.

Annabelle pees more then anything I have ever seen in all my life. More pee then you would think could come out of her little body. It’s crazy. It’s getting kind of annoying too. today, I need to sanitize my floor, because she has pee’d and pooped everywhere. Oh there she went to piss some more on the carpet right now.. Mmmm. Great!

She’s pee’d on my bed twice. The last time was this morning. Jeremy just washed the bedding yesterday. Great. I have those god awful pee pads all over my house.

She is drinking formula, that costs $20 a can for. She uses one of those every 4 days. Got her some wet food, and dry food to soak in water. she seems to like those both also.

Last night, I made her this little bed out of those plastic shoe boxes that you organize with. I put her blankie in there, along with a wee wee pad…just in case she pee’d on the way to get the kids. I thought the box would be more sturdy, and less movement for her. She threw up all over my shirt and the side of my jeans. I didn’t realize until it felt really warm in those spots and it smelled of formula really strongly. It was formula mixed with wet food. Mmmm. It didn’t really phase me. I looked in the box, and apparently it saved me. There was about a cup of vomit in the box. I just got a little bit of it on me.

It’s sorta like having a baby, except this baby pisses and shits all over your floor. I thought I was getting when she had to pee. Like whenever she woke up, she was going to pee. Now, she does this huge pee where ever, but if I’m lucky it will be half on the wee wee pad, and half off. Half the clean up! Yay! Then does these little pee’s all over the place. It’s driving me nuts!

She’s really cute though!!! HaHa!

I also am not loving the fact that I have to time every single thing around when she sleeps, and eats. Oh, she is going to want to eat in 1 1/2 hours, we gotta wait! Even for bed!

The past 2 nights, I have kept the door to the crate off, so she can pee on the pee pad outside the crate…rather then in her bed. Yesterday, she woke up, and pee’d on the carpet by the pee pad. Then cried, until I woke up and got her. This morning, I wake up, and I don’t see her anywhere. I am freaking out trying find her in my half sleeping stupor. I looking under the kids beds, behind doors, She’s nowhere. There was a comforter on the couch from when my sister stayed. The dogs have pushed it practically all on the floor. I’m calling Annabelle’s name. Betty come running out of the bedroom, and starts sniffing. Sure enough, 30 seconds later she has sniffed her out in the comforter completely covered.

As cute as puppies are, they sure are a lot of work. More work then I want to do. I think this is going to be the last puppy I ever get though. At least this young. When we got Betty, she was already 3 months old, and while a puppy…she ate regular food, went potty outside, and was just a lot easier!

I think I’ve uttered one “I really miss taking self portraits!” Since I abruptly gave up in April on Day 297. Today, would have been my very last day of the project. My last self portrait to finish out my 366th day. What a quitter I am! I really wish I would have stuck it out or quit sooner.

I was going through my set of 365 pictures, and while there was a whole bunch of shitty arms length pictures of me right before bed or my feet. There was also some really good shots in there that I am proud of. I will have to go through and pick some of my favorites and put them throughout this post when I’m done typing.

That probably sounds a little narcissistic, but if you’ve read my blog or know me, you know I don’t think I’m anything special.

When I do something, I always do it to the best of my ability. I’m a perfectionist to where it’s painful almost. If I have to do it half-assed I’d rather not even do it. So, to have these shitty pictures (where the only effort I put into them was to grab my camera) in that set, it bugged me. Then add the missed pictures or the deleted pictures…and we have a big ‘ole incomplete shitty set.

I’ve been toying with the idea of unofficially doing 365 again and trying to complete it. Yet this time, I would take all the pictures I did that I liked and recreate those, and fill all the filler shots with creative shots. Then I’m going to make a book! My brother showed me this link where you can make a book of photographs or whatever, and they are affordable, professional quality, hardcover books! I think that would be an amazing thing for my kids to have when I’m dead and gone. I would love to have a full year of pictures of my Mom from when she was younger in a book. I am also going to start taking the kids picture once a week again, and making a book of them for the year. Then one of my dogs pictures, and then another of a collection of my favorite/best photographs. It’s going to be neat!

So, it’s a possibility I will be starting the 365 day project again. Maybe this week…maybe not. Maybe I’ll decide against it after I start. Who knows. No pressure. No rules. I just want to do that damn book!

Well, I  recorded the origin show. I usually record Oprah, and delete the ones I don’t care about. So, I’ve had the puppy mill show on there for quite some time. I’d be looking for something to watch, and I’d go through the Oprah shows, and pass over that particular show. I wanted to watch it, but when I thought about it I got a knot in my stomach.

It recorded again yesterday or something, and it was at the top. There was nothing else on, so I pressed play. I started out covering my eyes. I watched a lot of the first 10 minutes like that. Then when I watched there was a lot of groaning, and me saying things like “I fucking hate people!”.

Then there was the happy parts where the man who rescues these dogs, takes them to the rescue, they get medical care, and groomed and adopted. Yay!

THEN! The show takes you to Fort Worth, TX. to a shelter. The guy there shows you the process of how they Euthenise the dogs. From the process of picking out the dog, they show the dog, he marks his card with a red “E”, and if that dog isn’t adopted that day…the next morning they are put to sleep, they show that mornings process “Let’s start with cage 1″, you see them going to get the dog. Then they show you them putting a dog down…I think…my face were covered with my hands as I sobbed.

I cried hard, and it was the saddest thing ever. I really can’t understand how people can do that. I understand that there are a lot of dogs out there, and what is the shelter going to do with the dog?

Yet, still it is so sad. It’s heart wrenchingly sad for me to watch dogs or animals in general to be mistreated. To me mistreated is leaving your dog in your backyard it’s whole life like it’s a plant or something, even if it’s had a dog house. Obviously mistreatment of dogs gets far, far worse then that…but I still feel really bad for those dogs left in yards or chains.

Before we got Betty, we went to a couple animal shelters in the Valley to look at the dogs and give them love. It seemed like at least 1/4 of the shelters was Pit Bulls. Same on Oprah. Every shelter they showed, had at least 2 Pit Bulls in the line of runs they went down. We spent time with all the Pit Bulls there, because you know the chances of them being adopted by a nice loving family is slim to none. Especially the really big guys who look a little intimidating, even though they are just a much love bugs as the chihuahua down the way.

I never really know what my passions are, or what I want to do with my life. I’m 32, shouldn’t I know this? Anyway, I do know that animals are a huge passion for me. They always have been. I like animals better then people. Dogs are my favorite though. I feel like I have a connection with them.

I’ve wanted to volunteer at a shelter and walk the dogs, and give them love. I just can’t bring myself to do it though. It’s emotionally draining going to the pound for me. It bums me out, and makes me sad. I get choked up as I leave, and feel like a jerk that I can’t bring them all home with me and give them love, and a warm comfy house to sleep in.

I think I could volunteer at a rescue at least they aren’t being squirted with a hose as their run gets cleaned out of the poop and urine. A place where the dogs are treated with kindness and love. So, even though they don’t have a home or a family they aren’t being mistreated.

So, I’m going to find a pit bull rescue that Jeremy and I can go volunteer at on the weekends.

I have been extra lazy all week. I didn’t do a single thing around the house. Not one, besides cook dinner all week…which was all grilled and easy!

I finally tackled the mountain of dishes in the sink and counter. Seriously, everything we use regularly was dirty besides 1 spoon. An hour later, they were clean! Yay! I hate doing dishes by hand though. It takes so long, and I get all hot and sweaty. I also am dumbfounded on why I wait so long to do them, rather then take 10 minutes at night to do them all.

I’ve washed the kids clothes, got their bag all packed. I’m waiting on their whites to finish so I can put some socks in there for Chase.

These is a couple fly’s in the house. One keeps landing on Betty. It’s annoying the hell out of her. Everytime it lands on her butt, she jumps and turns around all fast trying to catch it. It’s cracking me up.

Here she is waiting for that mofo fly to land on her again. She wants it dead. Ha!

Jeremy just got home about 10 minutes ago. I need to grill some hot dogs and sausages for the kids and us, and then we are headed to L.A. to drop them off, but first we are going to go and hang out with my brother and Agnes!!! She just flew in from Paris on Tuesday, and called me this afternoon to come hang out. So, I am excited about that. I haven’t seen her in a couple years. After the kids leave we will hang out for a while…maybe do something.

So, that’s cool.

My Madre is coming down June 12-15th, then my sister is coming down the 18th-27th…then I am flying to North Carolina July 5th-12th. I can’t wait to go and visit! I just wish Jeremy could go with me, because I will miss him so while I am gone.

Anyway, that is all.

Last night we went to bed super late, as we were waiting for the comforters to dry. We had to wash them because Chillee is starting to leak urine. It’s not her fault, it’s just she is getting old. Soooo, the other day Jeremy grabbed the comforter and pulled it up and we both got such a strong smell of urine. How gross, huh? Luckily we have seperate blankets, and I wasn’t using that one! Oh and we have separate blankets because, I have this really heavy leopard blanket that is fuzzy and soft. Jeremy hates it because he gets super hot. I however can have 10 blankets on top of me at night and be good. So, if I want to use my blanket, I have to use it alone. So, I usually cover with the leopard, and then the 2 down comforters. Yet, one comforter was out of commission from pee leaking, and so, Jeremy just was using his old down comforter.

So, anyway we go to bed, and my blanket is still damp. Warm but damp. Jeremy didn’t clean out the lint filter. Then the dogs both run from the room barking. So I made Jeremy get up and check shit out. He didn’t find a killer outside, but as I layed in bed, I swore someone was out there. Luckily, I woke up this morning and my kids were still in the room. I guess he was right!

This morning was funny. Betty has slept in between Jeremy and I since we got her. She prefers to sleep right up against me, with he head on me. It’s been really cold at night, and we don’t have central heat. So, I usually throw my blanket over her to warm me up. So, this morning we (Betty & I) are spooning…because we love each other like that. I had just rolled over to cuddle with her, and was just falling back to sleep, when Jeremy rolls over, and is obviously cold, and steals my dog from me!!! He just grabs her and pulls her into him and cuddles with her. So, I had  crack an eye open and let him know he stole my dog! LOL! It was pretty funny.

I need to go buy her some food too. My brother sent a huge bag and it’s gone. It’s been gone actually. Apparently her food tasted like the best food ever to my dogs. It was like candy they couldn’t stop eatting. So, I gotta go buy a little bag. I’ve had to replace her collar and leash so far, because my dog decided we were gone much to long, and we would be punished by her chewing the leash and collar into 2 pieces.

I’ve come to the conclusion though that dogs don’t miss their humans. Well maybe they do if they are lost or something, but if there are other people around who are nice and loving, I don’t think they think about them at all.You know they remember though, the second they see you.

I’ve never known her to be a “lap dog”. She is usually very high energy. If you ask her “Where’s your ball?” or “Get your ball!” She will run around my brother’s little studio apartment looking in every nook and cranny for her ball, until she finds it. However, since she has been here, she has been super duper lap dog. She wants to sit in my lap all day long.

She imediately decided that she was comfortable under one of the dinign room chairs. So, I went and got a little blanket, folded it up, and placed it in that spot for her to lay on. She then dug around and made a little nest…and slept there all night long.

Yesterday, I went and got her a little dog bed, that is velour and comfy. So, she slept there last night. I wanted to make her stay her as comfortable as possible.

I am a complete and utter dog lover. I love everythig about them, except the poop and gross stuff…but I tend to like them better then most people. I love all dogs, big, small. Whatever. So, I don’t mind watching my brother’s dog. Although it’s a total pain in the ass. I just tend to worry about her being sad or scared. It seriously makes me feel bad for her. So, that is the biggest pain in the ass of it all. Plus, she just kind of looks sad.

Maury is almost human like. when you talk to her, she looks at you like she understands everything you are saying to her. She looks at you and it’s liek she’s telling you something. Her mouth, opens a little bit, and displays a bottom row of white teeth. She will howl with you. I LOVE THAT! If you have food, she will stand on her back legs, like a human. I want to make her a pink tutu. He chest has thick black hair on it, but her belly is bare, and she practically has real breasts. HaHa! She has no tail, and hair on her back legs that fan out across her back end. Soft pointy ears, and feet that look like little stars, that she likes you to rub. She will give you a kiss if you ask, but only one. Not like Betty, who will rape your face.

My baby Betty is the jealous type. She get’s jealous when you pet Chillee, our older dog. So, she was having issues last night…with Maury sitting in my lap all night. Plus, I got Betty & Maury these little dog, dog toys. Betty was running up and grabbing every toy Maury had dropped. I won’t let Betty have Maury’s little rabbit stuffed toy, and she was totally giving me the hairy eyeball. She wouldn’t even kiss me.

I was sure I was going to have to put all the toys up, but after a nights rest, I think they are better today.