In no particular order…

1. Take 5 pictures a day that are not self portraits.
2. Appreciate what I have.
3. Live in the moment.
4. Love myself by taking care of myself.
(no smoking, eat right, get exercise, laugh more, be mad less)
5. Show my family that I love them regularly.
6. Have a clean & organized house.
7. Listen to more music.
8. Walk the dogs at least once a day.
9. Eat in more than out and at the table as a family.
10. Be on the computer less.

Yesterday, I went into my kids bathroom to put something in there, and I noticed pee all over the floor around the toilet. I went bitching at Chase. He lied and said it wasn’t him…it was the puppy. I would believe that if say it were on the rug in the bathroom, and not around the toilet. He’ll be 12 in less than a week, and yet he can’t manage to get his pee in the toilet. Isn’t that pretty ridiculous? What do I need to go buy him targets to pee on, like he’s 2 years old? Either he didn’t get one single drop of pee in the toilet, or every time he pee’s he pee’s on the floor a little. So, I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out at the thought of having to go mop up my 12 year old’s urine off the bathroom floor, after I was done picking up everyone’s shit from around the house just so I could dust. Then soak up the 2 piss spots I found from the puppy on the carpet so I could vacuum.

Huge tears, barely able to catch my breath tears. Then! Then I walk to my bedroom to put all this shit Jeremy pulls out and never puts away in there, and I hear Sheldyn snickering as I left the living room. I knew she was laughing at me for crying the way I was, and that just really, really fucking hurt. I can still remember when my mom cried when I was a kid, and I was always really worried, and sad for her, and I remember going and hugging her and trying to make her feel better. She was my Mom, and was crying. No, my kids laugh at me. It’s making me cry right now. I feel like such a failure in life, but especially with my kids. I have failed obviously. I haven’t raised loving, compassionate children. They are mean.

Chase talks back to me constantly. He’s disrespectful, he’s rude, he’s a slob, he lies, and he does bad in school.

Chase has so many issues I can’t even type it all up here, because it’s just embarrassing.

I have once again put myself in a situation where I am stuck, and dependent on someone else. I thought 6 years ago, I wanted freedom, and independence. I have none of that. My life literally depends on a couple of people. I don’t go out and do anything to improve my life because I’m pretty sure I’m not a very smart person, and I will fail at anything I try. I won’t even try because I have no self esteem because I am so fat and ugly.

I have had a boyfriend for nearly 5 years now, who just doesn’t ask me to marry him even though he’s acted as though that is what he wants. Now, I’ve bitched about it so much, that if it ever did happen which I won’t hold my breath for, it won’t mean what it is supposed to mean. He says we can go get married this weekend, but I just thought and wanted that special moment or that feeling of knowing he was asking me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Not because I bitched about it for years. The whole proposal thing. Ruined. I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t want to marry him now because I truly feel like he doesn’t really love me like he used to. I was the one who suggested I move in with him. I pushed and pushed and pushed for that. That wasn’t him. Do you think he would have quit his job, and left the city he lived and grew up in to live with me 90 miles away? Hell fuck no! Not only did I do ALL of that, but I moved my kids up here also, so I could be with him. He never, ever would have done that for me, ever. Which looking back on it speaks volumes to me. Jeremy actually has never really sacrificed anything for me, besides having roommates who sometimes paid rent to him.

I always thought that I would own a home by the time I was 30. I’d have nice things, and be comfortable financially. I’m 33 years old, and I’m so poor my kids qualify for free lunches at school. The only car I have is 43 years old, because I am such a loser that my other car got repossessed. I live in a shitty little house, that I’m not even supposed to live in because I’m not on the lease…and couldn’t be because I have horrible, horrible credit. My credit is so bad, that even if I started to try to fix it, I wouldn’t have decent credit until I was in my 40’s. I will never own a home. I can’t buy a car. I’m still stressing out over being able to buy my kids birthday presents. Let alone Christmas presents.

I was more on track, and my life was more promising when I was 21 years old with a brand new baby…and I was poor as can be. When I die, there will be nothing that I have accomplished besides being a loser who never did anything with her life. It’s a wasted life I lead. It has no hope or promise.

I’m a pretty miserable person, and I often feel like I have nobody. Like nobody really loves me. I don’t love myself. I don’t even like myself. I think my dogs are the only ones who really like me, and that’s because I give them food.

It’s pitiful and sad. I have nothing. I am nothing.

Yes, we are completely fucking nuts, and are totally irresponsible. It was bound to happen at some point. Usually, we are able to come to our sense before we jump. However, this time the guys were letting everyone pick up the puppies. Touch them, and love on them. It was also hot as hell, like 107 degrees. So, I’m sure that lead to the temporary lapse in judgment also.

So, it has been 9 days. Which have flown by really fast. I think a lot of it was because my sister was down. She’s gained over 2 pounds, and I think she looks fuller. I took her to the vet last week, and he said she looked about 5 weeks, and not 3 weeks. So, I don’t know how old she is. LOL!

She has went from sleeping all day long, minus about 15 minutes a day, to sleeping in 2-4 hour increments, with boughts of being awake for 15 minutes- 1 hour.

Right now she is “nursing” on Betty. Betty’s boobies at the bottom seem to look big, like real boobs! I don’t know if she is lactating or what? Annabelle keeps going for the same nipple, and it’s all pink/red and sore looking. Yet, Betty just lays there like a new Mama…letting the baby suck away.

Annabelle pees more then anything I have ever seen in all my life. More pee then you would think could come out of her little body. It’s crazy. It’s getting kind of annoying too. today, I need to sanitize my floor, because she has pee’d and pooped everywhere. Oh there she went to piss some more on the carpet right now.. Mmmm. Great!

She’s pee’d on my bed twice. The last time was this morning. Jeremy just washed the bedding yesterday. Great. I have those god awful pee pads all over my house.

She is drinking formula, that costs $20 a can for. She uses one of those every 4 days. Got her some wet food, and dry food to soak in water. she seems to like those both also.

Last night, I made her this little bed out of those plastic shoe boxes that you organize with. I put her blankie in there, along with a wee wee pad…just in case she pee’d on the way to get the kids. I thought the box would be more sturdy, and less movement for her. She threw up all over my shirt and the side of my jeans. I didn’t realize until it felt really warm in those spots and it smelled of formula really strongly. It was formula mixed with wet food. Mmmm. It didn’t really phase me. I looked in the box, and apparently it saved me. There was about a cup of vomit in the box. I just got a little bit of it on me.

It’s sorta like having a baby, except this baby pisses and shits all over your floor. I thought I was getting when she had to pee. Like whenever she woke up, she was going to pee. Now, she does this huge pee where ever, but if I’m lucky it will be half on the wee wee pad, and half off. Half the clean up! Yay! Then does these little pee’s all over the place. It’s driving me nuts!

She’s really cute though!!! HaHa!

I also am not loving the fact that I have to time every single thing around when she sleeps, and eats. Oh, she is going to want to eat in 1 1/2 hours, we gotta wait! Even for bed!

The past 2 nights, I have kept the door to the crate off, so she can pee on the pee pad outside the crate…rather then in her bed. Yesterday, she woke up, and pee’d on the carpet by the pee pad. Then cried, until I woke up and got her. This morning, I wake up, and I don’t see her anywhere. I am freaking out trying find her in my half sleeping stupor. I looking under the kids beds, behind doors, She’s nowhere. There was a comforter on the couch from when my sister stayed. The dogs have pushed it practically all on the floor. I’m calling Annabelle’s name. Betty come running out of the bedroom, and starts sniffing. Sure enough, 30 seconds later she has sniffed her out in the comforter completely covered.

As cute as puppies are, they sure are a lot of work. More work then I want to do. I think this is going to be the last puppy I ever get though. At least this young. When we got Betty, she was already 3 months old, and while a puppy…she ate regular food, went potty outside, and was just a lot easier!

The Cure was playing that night at The Hollywood Bowl, and when I turned around from my wrong turn, I was stuck in concert traffic. Saaaaweeet! Flipping FINALLY an hour after I left home, I find my street, and parked in the lot across the street for $10, which I watched rise throughout the night to $15, and then $20.

Agnes and I walked down Hollywood Blvd. and took some pictures. That was before she dropped my brother’s 35mm camera he uses all the time. That kinda ruined the mood for her, because she was stressing out over my brother’s reaction.

Then we went to the bar around 7ish. Luckily for Agnes my brother wasn’t mad at her, and we had a Corona. We smoked in the back of the bar…and it was kinda cool back there with nobody back there. My brother told us that we should ash on the floor, and to put your cigarette out on the floor. We were having a hard time doing so, so we used a Corona bottle as out ashtray. After 3 cigarettes had been smoked and ashed into the bottle, I went to take a drink of my beer, but instead drank the cigarette butt Corona. I wondered why it was so warm, and chunky?

I looked at the the bottle I had drank from and realized what was in my mouth. I spit the entire contents of my mouth onto the floor. Which was a lot. Oddly, it didn’t taste as bad as you would expect. The thought that I drank that and the chunkiness was far worse then the actual taste.

I drank 3 beers from 7-10pm, and was stressing out about driving home. I wanted to be 100% sober, before I got in the car. So, that kinda was a bummer to think about all night long.

So, I am at this Hollywood Bar, pretty much sober…I am so far out of my element (home in jammy pants), I have the mornings makeup on, my hair is flat and looks tired and a little greasy at the roots, and I’m dressed for the day time. I was so fucking uncomfortable, I cannot even tell you.

On a normal day, I feel like a fat cow. Like the largest, fattest woman to ever walk the face of the earth. Or at least the ugliest fat chick to walk the earth. There are some girls out there and they are still cute fat. They can wear cute clothes, and have their hair and makeup all done up and you don’t even really notice they are fat. Me however, I do my makeup and my hair, and then I look like an unfortunate victim of fat. I don’t look good or even decent with weight on me. It really makes me look ugly!

Okay, so we get that I was feeling very large. So yeah on a normal day out and about, I am so self conscience of my weight, I’m pretty sure every single person who can see me, is looking at me, and thinking to themselves…”Holy SHIT! That chick is fat & ugly.” Low self esteem much? So, now I am at this bar, and really I just want to be invisible, and I’m feeling EXTRA fat. So, whenever anyone looks at me, I am uncomfortable. I found myself standing facing away form everyone else. Trying to be invisible. This is making me even more uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I am standing next to A, and she is the tiniest girl in the whole world. Like 5′1″ and 90 lbs. So, this just accentuates the roundness of my body and face.

When, I was thin around 125ish…and I went out…I was so outgoing and talkative, and happy. Guys used to come up to me all the time and talk to me. Not that I wanted guys to talk to me, it’s the ego thing…that night, I had 2 idiots even acknowledge my presence…when they came up to talk to Agnes. the other guys who came up to talk to her, acted like I wasn’t even there. I was invisible, because I am fat!

I even tried to break out of that mental fuck I was in, but I couldn’t do it. I was far to deep in it. I told myself, I am exercising my fat ass off…because I sure as fuck am not going to feel like a fatty when my sister comes out, and when I go to N.C.

On top of the fatness. Whenever, I am out and stuff…and talking to strangers…I feel like my Mom! I feel just like her. I talk like her, I sound like her, and I just feel like her. Nothing against my mom, I love her dearly. She’s a pretty Mom, and she’s not dorky or anything, but I hate feeling just like her.

I arrived home close to 3am, no drunk drivers killed me, I didn’t get pulled over…and all day Sunday I wanted to die from exhaustion, and sore feet, and back!

So, I am feeling ultra frumpy around all these girls who are all done up for the night…and I felt old as fuck! I sat at that bar from 7pm-1:50am, wishing for home. Wanting to be in my p.j.’s on my computer in my chair at home and comfy. It was mental torture.

I have been extra lazy all week. I didn’t do a single thing around the house. Not one, besides cook dinner all week…which was all grilled and easy!

I finally tackled the mountain of dishes in the sink and counter. Seriously, everything we use regularly was dirty besides 1 spoon. An hour later, they were clean! Yay! I hate doing dishes by hand though. It takes so long, and I get all hot and sweaty. I also am dumbfounded on why I wait so long to do them, rather then take 10 minutes at night to do them all.

I’ve washed the kids clothes, got their bag all packed. I’m waiting on their whites to finish so I can put some socks in there for Chase.

These is a couple fly’s in the house. One keeps landing on Betty. It’s annoying the hell out of her. Everytime it lands on her butt, she jumps and turns around all fast trying to catch it. It’s cracking me up.

Here she is waiting for that mofo fly to land on her again. She wants it dead. Ha!

Jeremy just got home about 10 minutes ago. I need to grill some hot dogs and sausages for the kids and us, and then we are headed to L.A. to drop them off, but first we are going to go and hang out with my brother and Agnes!!! She just flew in from Paris on Tuesday, and called me this afternoon to come hang out. So, I am excited about that. I haven’t seen her in a couple years. After the kids leave we will hang out for a while…maybe do something.

So, that’s cool.

My Madre is coming down June 12-15th, then my sister is coming down the 18th-27th…then I am flying to North Carolina July 5th-12th. I can’t wait to go and visit! I just wish Jeremy could go with me, because I will miss him so while I am gone.

Anyway, that is all.

My ex-husband has even had a poetry book of his own published! How cool is that? I’m pretty sure most of those poems were written during our divorce. I’m not sure if he self published though. Either way, I think it’s cool to have a book of your own that is out there and being sold.

My Grandma (Mom’s Mom) even wrote her own book…and it was published! Although hers was a genelogy book, and it is HUGE. It’s not a story she wrote or poetry, but let me tell you it was a lot of hard work researching down her family like. Her and my Grandpa researched for this book for years & years & years. Most of my childhood! That was quite an accomplishment!

Jeremy has never been a real stress case about anything. He’s always the type to be like “What can you do?” I’m usually the one crying over being broke.

Well, he’s totally stressing out, man. While I’m laughing having a good time as we walk through Target picking the necessities and passing over the things I would buy if I had the money…he’s getting all bent out of shape over me joking around that “we are so rich!”

Jeremy has always had a pretty good sense of humor, except when he feels like your teasing him. Then he can’t take a joke…which is annoying. It’s okay to laugh at yourself ya know?

Anyway, work has been slow for him. He worked a whole 2 days last week, and so far this week he worked today only.

So, last night we are at the grocery store, and his bitching about being broke, and I’m being sarcastic saying “I don’t know what your talking about! We have SO much money right now!” then he’s raisinghis voice saying how we need to pay the electric bill, and I’m like well we need to eat too. Then he says it again. Well I got pissed off. Yeah , no shit we need electricity…but I have 2 kids who need to eat. I’m not walking around buying expensive meats and nonsense shit we don’t need. I got some bread, milk, cereal, waters, capri suns, crackers. It was like he was getting pissed that I was buying all this stuff. Then he’s like “Sorry I’m a loser!”

Whoa! Where did that come from? So, it’s like he’s feeling like he’s a loser and like I’m thinking that also. I’ve never thought he was a loser or is a loser. Works slow, what are you going to do, ya know?

Anyway, we are fighting. I’m sick of his attitude. Hey, guess what? We are broke. Get over it. Stressing out isn’t bringing money in, so laugh have a good time, and get over it. Shit always gets paid. There have been times I’ve had NO money, and have had large bills due, and somehow it always works it way out.

Plus, there is a lot of shit that is bugging me right about now with him. The way he runs to his office and shuts the door and stays in here all. night. long when we are fighting. The way he can’t have a conversation after a fight without yelling and walking away from me, only to return later and start the conversation again to do the SAME thing. The way he thinks the next day everything is fine and dandy and thinks he can talk to me like nothing happened. Or how he can go to sleep no problem when we are fighting. Or, or, or.