In no particular order…

1. Take 5 pictures a day that are not self portraits.
2. Appreciate what I have.
3. Live in the moment.
4. Love myself by taking care of myself.
(no smoking, eat right, get exercise, laugh more, be mad less)
5. Show my family that I love them regularly.
6. Have a clean & organized house.
7. Listen to more music.
8. Walk the dogs at least once a day.
9. Eat in more than out and at the table as a family.
10. Be on the computer less.

Well, I  recorded the origin show. I usually record Oprah, and delete the ones I don’t care about. So, I’ve had the puppy mill show on there for quite some time. I’d be looking for something to watch, and I’d go through the Oprah shows, and pass over that particular show. I wanted to watch it, but when I thought about it I got a knot in my stomach.

It recorded again yesterday or something, and it was at the top. There was nothing else on, so I pressed play. I started out covering my eyes. I watched a lot of the first 10 minutes like that. Then when I watched there was a lot of groaning, and me saying things like “I fucking hate people!”.

Then there was the happy parts where the man who rescues these dogs, takes them to the rescue, they get medical care, and groomed and adopted. Yay!

THEN! The show takes you to Fort Worth, TX. to a shelter. The guy there shows you the process of how they Euthenise the dogs. From the process of picking out the dog, they show the dog, he marks his card with a red “E”, and if that dog isn’t adopted that day…the next morning they are put to sleep, they show that mornings process “Let’s start with cage 1″, you see them going to get the dog. Then they show you them putting a dog down…I think…my face were covered with my hands as I sobbed.

I cried hard, and it was the saddest thing ever. I really can’t understand how people can do that. I understand that there are a lot of dogs out there, and what is the shelter going to do with the dog?

Yet, still it is so sad. It’s heart wrenchingly sad for me to watch dogs or animals in general to be mistreated. To me mistreated is leaving your dog in your backyard it’s whole life like it’s a plant or something, even if it’s had a dog house. Obviously mistreatment of dogs gets far, far worse then that…but I still feel really bad for those dogs left in yards or chains.

Before we got Betty, we went to a couple animal shelters in the Valley to look at the dogs and give them love. It seemed like at least 1/4 of the shelters was Pit Bulls. Same on Oprah. Every shelter they showed, had at least 2 Pit Bulls in the line of runs they went down. We spent time with all the Pit Bulls there, because you know the chances of them being adopted by a nice loving family is slim to none. Especially the really big guys who look a little intimidating, even though they are just a much love bugs as the chihuahua down the way.

I never really know what my passions are, or what I want to do with my life. I’m 32, shouldn’t I know this? Anyway, I do know that animals are a huge passion for me. They always have been. I like animals better then people. Dogs are my favorite though. I feel like I have a connection with them.

I’ve wanted to volunteer at a shelter and walk the dogs, and give them love. I just can’t bring myself to do it though. It’s emotionally draining going to the pound for me. It bums me out, and makes me sad. I get choked up as I leave, and feel like a jerk that I can’t bring them all home with me and give them love, and a warm comfy house to sleep in.

I think I could volunteer at a rescue at least they aren’t being squirted with a hose as their run gets cleaned out of the poop and urine. A place where the dogs are treated with kindness and love. So, even though they don’t have a home or a family they aren’t being mistreated.

So, I’m going to find a pit bull rescue that Jeremy and I can go volunteer at on the weekends.

Frightening! It’s kinda crazy to see how different you look in a picture compared to how you see yourself in a mirror. Don’t get me wrong, I see fat in the mirror also. A lot of it! Yet, I do not see what I see in the picture.

My starting weight:

172.4 lbs.

36.1 Body Fat %

So, basically I am obese. Ha! Yay me! I’m obese!

Today, I showered before I took them though, and then Jeremy and I went to Jamba Juice. I got that one you eat with a spoon, with strawberries, peanut butter, bananas, granola, and I don’t know what else. Anyway, it sucked ass. I ate a tiny bit of it, and threw the rest out. I should have just gotten the regular one I normally get. I came home and did a couple Carmen Electra work out video’s on OnDemand. One was a stripper dance thing. LOL! I was cracking up at myself, with my large round body doing these seductive moves. On one video she is on her back and brings her knees to her chest, and grabs around her knees. She’s skinny so they fit up there. I am doing this and my knees are like 12 inches form my chest, and not because I am not flexible. I am, but because I have an enormous amount of belly fat, and my fat boobs (who I affectionately refer to as pig tits..lmao!) where in the way.

I probably did about 30 minutes of exercise…but I don’t feel I gave it 100%. More like 75%.

So, I was starving my ass off this afternoon, and ate like 3 handfuls of those new Lays Cracker Crisps. Bad, but it’s not like I had a McDonald’s breakfast Jeremy originally wanted to have. Then I had a handful of microwave popcorn that I made Sheldyn when she got home.

Then that damn yogurt. I don’t even like yogurt all that much. I pretty much choke it down. So, that’s what I had today. Not much of anything good. I need to get to the store though, and pick up some healthy items to eat. I’m not intentionally trying to starve myself, but my stomach does need to shrink a bit.

I’m thinking I might go on a short walk tonight also. Nothing crazy, maybe just 15 minutes to get me into it again. I told myself if I exercise all week, that next week I can buy myself a tanning package and get tan this summer also.

As torturous as being at my brother’s work was on Saturday, it made me realize that I HAVE to lose weight, if I want to be happy at all…because I will never be happy at this weight.

Reminds me, I need to take some “before pictures” and weigh myself…and get the exact number down. I already know that I am in the 170’s. It’s the fattest I have ever been in my whole life. Fatter then when I was pregnant each time. Fatter then when I was unhappily married, and thought I was huge. Just fatter.

So, here goes!

EDITED- It ended up being a 7 hour eye twitch.

Then I was supposed to get a cleaning, and I got all my x-rays, and she checked out my mouth. I swear all I kept hearing her say is “Money, more money, more money, you don’t need this, you need this…money, money, money.” Telling me I have an abscess in my bone at the root of a root canal I had done like 7 years ago. So, that they will drill through my gold crown and redo the root canal, and I’ll need a new crown. Why can’t they take it off while they work on it? Then she said they might now be able to save the tooth, and I might need to get that extracted and get an implant or bridge. That I have a cavity in a tooth I have a huge filling in, and that need to be replaced with an inlay. Also that I have some pockets that have gum disease, and I needed a cleaning with an irrigation today, which was going to cost me only $500. for one, my gums aren’t inflamed, they don’t bleed. I’m kinda doubting that she was telling me the truth. Then they didn’t clean my teeth. Hello shouldn’t you take care of something like a simple cleaning that will prevent anything else from happening, and fill some cavities before they get out of hand before we do all this expensive work? Then she seemed kinda annoyed that I wasn’t going to get the $400 cleaning today.

I thought I liked them and all, and I’m comfortable and not embarrassed anymore…but I’m wondering if they are trying to scam me outta money or something?

Oh and I’ve been having the weirdest thing happen to me when I am falling asleep. You know when you are JUST falling asleep…well every night this week, and it’s happened before but it’s been nightly recently…I will hear someone say my name. It is a diffrent voice everytime. Last night it was a kid. Sometimes it is yelling franticly, sometimes just normal. I’ve even heard Chase say “Mom!!!” before. Also…on top of the my name being called I will also see something disturbing…it is seperate from my name being called. A couple nights ago, I was envisioning driving to the kids school, and a child walking out in the street in front of my car and me hitting the kid. Oh course when it gets to that point, my eyes shoot open. Then I close them and start falling asleep and something else happens. Or I will hear an inaudible conversation.

It’s freaking WEIRD. I told Jeremy about it once, and he said he’s going to hide all the knives from me, because I’m hearing voices. LOL! Seriously though, I am…but only when I’m falling asleep. It’s like when I’m on both sides of the conscience and unconscience…and it’s freaking me out.

You guys think I’m fucking nuts or what? LOL!

I woke up in a good mood today. Last night was really nice. Hee. I have a lot of things I want to work on this year. A lot of changes I want to make.

I plan to work on:

• Me. Physically & Mentally. I just want to be a healthier person all around. I want to be happy in my mind. Not so negative. Closer with my Mom. Seriously forgive her for everything and start fresh. Be the best Mom I can be. Be the best girlfriend I can be. Stop feeding my face with crappy foods, and drinks. Exercise and get to a weight where strangers don’t ask if I’m pregnant. So, I plan on riding my bike, and eventually getting some Yoga DVD’s. Any DVD’s anyone can recommend would help greatly.
• Finances- I want to start saving money. Try to get my credit on the track to some sort of recovery, although I’m not even sure that would do anything for a very long time.
• Keep up with the House- I want to clean regularly. I used to be such a good cleaner. My apartments where always clean and decent. Now, I really let it go to hell, andhardly ever clean.
• Stop being lazy- Really I’m lazy in every aspect of my life. I think this is the one key to a lot of stuff that bothers me about my life. I am lazy about every single thing.
• Do PPP every single day (including weekends) until I have enough money to buy a laptop.
• Which in turn will make me blog more.
• Quit Smoking! Both Jeremy and I. Tomorrow is the day!!! Honestly, I have little faith in myself or Jeremy. I know that’s a bad way of thinking when you want to accomplish something. Yet, I really, really like smoking. Like a lot! It is so intergrated into everything I do, that it’s so hard to even think about not smoking. I know it’s expensive, gross, and unhealthy. I have a whole list of reasons to not smoke, and the only reason I have to keep smoking is I like it. I’ve tried to quit before and failed. Jeremy said he tried once a long time ago. I have a little more faith in myself then in him though. Maybe he’ll surprise me. That would be a great accomplishment though. Financially it would be so rewarding. Like close to $450 a month rewarding. Craaazy! This I think has a huge affect on me and my laziness. After my first cigarette of the day, I feel tired and like I need a nap. Every day. I will be wide awake even have energy, and I smoke and then I just want to sit and go on the computer or wtch t.v. It’s weird, but I know quitting will help inmy lazy factor.
• Have sex more often then every few months. I think sex definitely has a positive effect on people. After sex you always feel happier, sexier, and a little bit on your game. Or something like that?
• Clean the backyard!!!!
• Fix up the Bug, like I wanted to!
• Photography- I want to seriously push myself to learn more about photography and take more pictures. I want to take pictures every day of not just my face sitting in then chair. I know I have it in me, and can be a good photographer, but for some reason I can barely grasp any of it. It’s confusing and hard, and no matter how many times I read about things, they don’t stick. I also want to put out major effort on the last 6 months of my 365. I usually take a picture of my face sitting in my chair, because my camera is ont he tripod right nect to my chair. It’s always at like 1am too. So, I am making myself take my picture during the day. I don’t know how I am able to turn something I like into a nusance. I seriously believe I’ve made it this far. Here’s to making the last 6 months awesome, and something to be proud of.
• Take a picture of the kids every week for a year.

Huh? Yeah, bitch I’m in pain right now. I think I have an infection, and you want me to wait 2 weeks??? So, I said that to her, and said well then I guess I will go to the walk-in clinic, and she told me that I probably won’t be seen there either??? The hell???

You know when I went in there last month, I realized that I had picked like the super Medi-cal doctor’s office. So it was FULL of Hispanic woman with newborns and like 5 other little kids in tow. I’m going to have to do some drive-bys of offices that aren’t so low rent…and don’t have every welfare recipient going there with their 15 kids. I’ve never went to a Doctor’s office that was like this and so nonchalant about patients and getting them in.

This is actually the second time I’ve had a problem getting in when I was having an issue.

There was this time when I first met Jeremy in person. I came with my ex-SIL, and well she ditched me here. She took off and left me…because I’m not sure why. Jeremy had to drive me back to her house to pick up my car the next day. I remember she called me on my way home, and she was screaming at me how she hopes I die of AIDS. I wasn’t sure why exactly she would say such horrible things to me, as I didn’t do anything to warrant such behavior. I didn’t deserve it…but now I hope that it doesn’t come true. Don’t askme how I forgave her after that one. I did though.

Anyway, enough with that. I won’t bring it up again until I come to say I am negative or positive. Well, if I’m positive, I probably will be in a deep dark depression for a very long time, so I doubt I’ll run here to announce. I probably won’t tell anyone.