So, I’m sitting at the table on my laptop going through pictures, and listening to Radiohead. My back is towards the kitchen. Jeremy is to my right about 10 feet on the couch. He’s facing towards the kitchen watching t.v.. I can see him in my peripheral vision. So, I’m sitting here, and I see this dark shadow walking towards me from inthe direction of the t.v., and I don’t look up, and I thinking it’s Jeremy, only I can see Jeremy sitting on the couch from the corner of my eye. So, I’m trying to compute this, and this shadow is like 3 feet away from me, so I get startled, and I inhale and let out a “Uhhhhhhhh.” and throw my left hand up as if to stop someone from getting closer.

The thought process was so fast, that I had to go over what just happened. I am so totally creeped out right now. Especially after all of Chase’s ghost talk.

Then, Jeremy says “Maybe it’s your Dad.” I got the chills and said “Uh, Dad if that was you, can you not show yourself, because it freaks me out. Come to me in my dreams. Thanks!”

I’m creeped out!

In no particular order…

1. Take 5 pictures a day that are not self portraits.
2. Appreciate what I have.
3. Live in the moment.
4. Love myself by taking care of myself.
(no smoking, eat right, get exercise, laugh more, be mad less)
5. Show my family that I love them regularly.
6. Have a clean & organized house.
7. Listen to more music.
8. Walk the dogs at least once a day.
9. Eat in more than out and at the table as a family.
10. Be on the computer less.

I’ve been so lucky the past few days. It’s been rainy, overcast and cold. Today we got super windy added to the mix. I don’t really mind the wind when it’s rainy, I however don’t like it much when it’s warm or sunny. Simi Valley seems to have more wind than any place I’ve ever lived.

I thinks it’s a beautiful day out today, and I don’t understand how people hate the rain. It makes me happy. I hate driving in it, but I even found when I worked, I enjoyed working more on rainy days.

I want to sit around all cozy & warm, sipping coffee, and eating soup.

I hope one day I can move to Washington, someplace where it rains all the time. I was born in the wrong state.

Yesterday, I went into my kids bathroom to put something in there, and I noticed pee all over the floor around the toilet. I went bitching at Chase. He lied and said it wasn’t him…it was the puppy. I would believe that if say it were on the rug in the bathroom, and not around the toilet. He’ll be 12 in less than a week, and yet he can’t manage to get his pee in the toilet. Isn’t that pretty ridiculous? What do I need to go buy him targets to pee on, like he’s 2 years old? Either he didn’t get one single drop of pee in the toilet, or every time he pee’s he pee’s on the floor a little. So, I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out at the thought of having to go mop up my 12 year old’s urine off the bathroom floor, after I was done picking up everyone’s shit from around the house just so I could dust. Then soak up the 2 piss spots I found from the puppy on the carpet so I could vacuum.

Huge tears, barely able to catch my breath tears. Then! Then I walk to my bedroom to put all this shit Jeremy pulls out and never puts away in there, and I hear Sheldyn snickering as I left the living room. I knew she was laughing at me for crying the way I was, and that just really, really fucking hurt. I can still remember when my mom cried when I was a kid, and I was always really worried, and sad for her, and I remember going and hugging her and trying to make her feel better. She was my Mom, and was crying. No, my kids laugh at me. It’s making me cry right now. I feel like such a failure in life, but especially with my kids. I have failed obviously. I haven’t raised loving, compassionate children. They are mean.

Chase talks back to me constantly. He’s disrespectful, he’s rude, he’s a slob, he lies, and he does bad in school.

Chase has so many issues I can’t even type it all up here, because it’s just embarrassing.

I have once again put myself in a situation where I am stuck, and dependent on someone else. I thought 6 years ago, I wanted freedom, and independence. I have none of that. My life literally depends on a couple of people. I don’t go out and do anything to improve my life because I’m pretty sure I’m not a very smart person, and I will fail at anything I try. I won’t even try because I have no self esteem because I am so fat and ugly.

I have had a boyfriend for nearly 5 years now, who just doesn’t ask me to marry him even though he’s acted as though that is what he wants. Now, I’ve bitched about it so much, that if it ever did happen which I won’t hold my breath for, it won’t mean what it is supposed to mean. He says we can go get married this weekend, but I just thought and wanted that special moment or that feeling of knowing he was asking me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Not because I bitched about it for years. The whole proposal thing. Ruined. I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t want to marry him now because I truly feel like he doesn’t really love me like he used to. I was the one who suggested I move in with him. I pushed and pushed and pushed for that. That wasn’t him. Do you think he would have quit his job, and left the city he lived and grew up in to live with me 90 miles away? Hell fuck no! Not only did I do ALL of that, but I moved my kids up here also, so I could be with him. He never, ever would have done that for me, ever. Which looking back on it speaks volumes to me. Jeremy actually has never really sacrificed anything for me, besides having roommates who sometimes paid rent to him.

I always thought that I would own a home by the time I was 30. I’d have nice things, and be comfortable financially. I’m 33 years old, and I’m so poor my kids qualify for free lunches at school. The only car I have is 43 years old, because I am such a loser that my other car got repossessed. I live in a shitty little house, that I’m not even supposed to live in because I’m not on the lease…and couldn’t be because I have horrible, horrible credit. My credit is so bad, that even if I started to try to fix it, I wouldn’t have decent credit until I was in my 40’s. I will never own a home. I can’t buy a car. I’m still stressing out over being able to buy my kids birthday presents. Let alone Christmas presents.

I was more on track, and my life was more promising when I was 21 years old with a brand new baby…and I was poor as can be. When I die, there will be nothing that I have accomplished besides being a loser who never did anything with her life. It’s a wasted life I lead. It has no hope or promise.

I’m a pretty miserable person, and I often feel like I have nobody. Like nobody really loves me. I don’t love myself. I don’t even like myself. I think my dogs are the only ones who really like me, and that’s because I give them food.

It’s pitiful and sad. I have nothing. I am nothing.

I mean I want this shit done, but I don’t want to have to sit home with the guys doing the work for the 5th day in a row whole Jeremy is at work. I’d like to get out of the fucking house. Ugh!

The guys are all nice, they like to talk…a lot. Who knew guys would sit here and talk my ear off the entire day. Sometimes I just want to sit and read stuff on the internet or whatever, and they are talking, talking, talking. Maybe to avoid doing work. The wall repair guys come. The older one it’s his business, and he hired the younger guy who’s my age to help him. Well the younger guy does EVERYTHING. The older guy talks the whole time and tells him what to do. Then after an hour of not getting much done, they go to lunch for an hour. Come back, work for maybe 2 hours and leave for the day.

So, actually…maybe I should just leave tomorrow with Jeremy. Since, they could have gotten more done if they put in at least 5 hours a day of work.

The plumber is here today. He actually had plumbers crack. Swear to God, I saw it. He’s an overweight man, and his heavy breathing, has got me worried that he’s going to have a heart attack right here in this house today. He’s sweating like a motherfucker, his face is almost purple and he’s practically panting. I also found out that he went to Prison. I’m here alone. I’m grateful that Betty keeps growling and barking at him. Ha! I’m not afraid though. I think i will be okay.

Anyway, my house is tiny. So, the guy is ripping apart the wall, which I am facing while sitting at the table on my laptop. I feel like I should move or something to a spot where I am not facing him.

I am so weird. Ha! These are the things I think about. Should I move so I’m not facing the guy or what? I always think about if it were me, would that weird me out, and yes it would. I’d feel like they were staring down my neck as I worked.

Or when they converse with me. I’m not much of a small talker. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t like doing it.

Oh, he’s destroying my tile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally right now!

Goodbye 40 year old peach tile, that I loved. Peach tile who I just recently discovered. Peach tile who gave pictures character. Goodbye, I loved you. Even if for just a short while.

Eeeeek. I just found out the guy fixing the wall told the landlord that I was here and a puppy. Then the landlord was questioning if I lived here, and about the puppy. The guy said he kinda caught on that I wasn’t supposed to live her, or so he says. God, please don’t let them start questioning Jeremy. although I don’t know what that would do. Maybe they would want me to fill out a Lease Agreement? So, I could fill it out and say I have no job, and no income, and that I have horrible credit. Then the rent will be coming from the same exact place it has been for 11 years.

The guy keeps saying that he’s going to trash everything, and tell him it is irreplacable. So, we are getting all new stuff. Like shower fixtures, medicine cabinets. I think he said new tile too. So, that’s cool.

Yes, we are completely fucking nuts, and are totally irresponsible. It was bound to happen at some point. Usually, we are able to come to our sense before we jump. However, this time the guys were letting everyone pick up the puppies. Touch them, and love on them. It was also hot as hell, like 107 degrees. So, I’m sure that lead to the temporary lapse in judgment also.

So, it has been 9 days. Which have flown by really fast. I think a lot of it was because my sister was down. She’s gained over 2 pounds, and I think she looks fuller. I took her to the vet last week, and he said she looked about 5 weeks, and not 3 weeks. So, I don’t know how old she is. LOL!

She has went from sleeping all day long, minus about 15 minutes a day, to sleeping in 2-4 hour increments, with boughts of being awake for 15 minutes- 1 hour.

Right now she is “nursing” on Betty. Betty’s boobies at the bottom seem to look big, like real boobs! I don’t know if she is lactating or what? Annabelle keeps going for the same nipple, and it’s all pink/red and sore looking. Yet, Betty just lays there like a new Mama…letting the baby suck away.

Annabelle pees more then anything I have ever seen in all my life. More pee then you would think could come out of her little body. It’s crazy. It’s getting kind of annoying too. today, I need to sanitize my floor, because she has pee’d and pooped everywhere. Oh there she went to piss some more on the carpet right now.. Mmmm. Great!

She’s pee’d on my bed twice. The last time was this morning. Jeremy just washed the bedding yesterday. Great. I have those god awful pee pads all over my house.

She is drinking formula, that costs $20 a can for. She uses one of those every 4 days. Got her some wet food, and dry food to soak in water. she seems to like those both also.

Last night, I made her this little bed out of those plastic shoe boxes that you organize with. I put her blankie in there, along with a wee wee pad…just in case she pee’d on the way to get the kids. I thought the box would be more sturdy, and less movement for her. She threw up all over my shirt and the side of my jeans. I didn’t realize until it felt really warm in those spots and it smelled of formula really strongly. It was formula mixed with wet food. Mmmm. It didn’t really phase me. I looked in the box, and apparently it saved me. There was about a cup of vomit in the box. I just got a little bit of it on me.

It’s sorta like having a baby, except this baby pisses and shits all over your floor. I thought I was getting when she had to pee. Like whenever she woke up, she was going to pee. Now, she does this huge pee where ever, but if I’m lucky it will be half on the wee wee pad, and half off. Half the clean up! Yay! Then does these little pee’s all over the place. It’s driving me nuts!

She’s really cute though!!! HaHa!

I also am not loving the fact that I have to time every single thing around when she sleeps, and eats. Oh, she is going to want to eat in 1 1/2 hours, we gotta wait! Even for bed!

The past 2 nights, I have kept the door to the crate off, so she can pee on the pee pad outside the crate…rather then in her bed. Yesterday, she woke up, and pee’d on the carpet by the pee pad. Then cried, until I woke up and got her. This morning, I wake up, and I don’t see her anywhere. I am freaking out trying find her in my half sleeping stupor. I looking under the kids beds, behind doors, She’s nowhere. There was a comforter on the couch from when my sister stayed. The dogs have pushed it practically all on the floor. I’m calling Annabelle’s name. Betty come running out of the bedroom, and starts sniffing. Sure enough, 30 seconds later she has sniffed her out in the comforter completely covered.

As cute as puppies are, they sure are a lot of work. More work then I want to do. I think this is going to be the last puppy I ever get though. At least this young. When we got Betty, she was already 3 months old, and while a puppy…she ate regular food, went potty outside, and was just a lot easier!

I have been extra lazy all week. I didn’t do a single thing around the house. Not one, besides cook dinner all week…which was all grilled and easy!

I finally tackled the mountain of dishes in the sink and counter. Seriously, everything we use regularly was dirty besides 1 spoon. An hour later, they were clean! Yay! I hate doing dishes by hand though. It takes so long, and I get all hot and sweaty. I also am dumbfounded on why I wait so long to do them, rather then take 10 minutes at night to do them all.

I’ve washed the kids clothes, got their bag all packed. I’m waiting on their whites to finish so I can put some socks in there for Chase.

These is a couple fly’s in the house. One keeps landing on Betty. It’s annoying the hell out of her. Everytime it lands on her butt, she jumps and turns around all fast trying to catch it. It’s cracking me up.

Here she is waiting for that mofo fly to land on her again. She wants it dead. Ha!

Jeremy just got home about 10 minutes ago. I need to grill some hot dogs and sausages for the kids and us, and then we are headed to L.A. to drop them off, but first we are going to go and hang out with my brother and Agnes!!! She just flew in from Paris on Tuesday, and called me this afternoon to come hang out. So, I am excited about that. I haven’t seen her in a couple years. After the kids leave we will hang out for a while…maybe do something.

So, that’s cool.

My Madre is coming down June 12-15th, then my sister is coming down the 18th-27th…then I am flying to North Carolina July 5th-12th. I can’t wait to go and visit! I just wish Jeremy could go with me, because I will miss him so while I am gone.

Anyway, that is all.

While they were in school today, I went to Ralphs #1, Vons, Ralphs #2, and back to Ralphs #1 again.

And it was fun? Ha! I’m sick.

So…here’s my breakdown…

Shelf Value: $290.82

Out Of Pocket: $129.45

Saved: $161.37

Here’s what I got:

This includes:

3 Snuggle Dry Sheets 70 ct. (.99 each)
3 Snuggle Fabric Softeners (.99 each)
Woolite 50 oz. Laundry Detergent
Wisk 50 oz. Laundry Detergent (.49)
6 Air Wick Air Freshers (all free)
Air Wick Plug-in (Free)
2 Air Wick oils things
2 Deodorants
2 Shick Razors, one with built in trimmer. (alone those would have costs $30)
1 Revlon Colorstay Overtime Lipcolor
Glade Flameless Candle (only $2.99 reg. 11.99 meaning I would have never of bought on of these, ever at that price.)
Cottonelle 4 pack
1 Sunsilk Shampoo
1 Suave Body Wash
2 Boxes of Scooby Snack dog treats
1 Pup-peroni Dog Treat
2 Cans of Mandarin Oranges
Aunt Jemima Syrup
3 Boxes of cereal (2 Cocoa puffs & 1 reeses)
Box of tea
5 Boxes of Mac & Cheese
2 Boxes of Pasta Roni
2 Bags of New Cracker Trax
2 Bottles of Hershey Syrup
3 Jars of Ragu Sauce
2 Bags of Ragu Sauce
Ice Cream Cones
Frozen Pizza
2 Bottles of Ajax dish soap
Eggs
Laughing Cow Cheese
Mustard
2 Bags of Hot Dog Buns
Hot dogs
Habenero Sausages
Paper Plates
Styrofoam Bowls
Chef Boyardee Mac & Cheese
Hormel Complete Meal
& Steak not pictured.

It went like this:

*Total off the shelf price: $191.00

*Saved: $88.00 (46%)

This weekend I printed my lists and did my shopping with Jeremy, and here is my breakdown:

*Total off the shelf price: $494.00

*Saved: $263.00 (53%)

It is a little time consuming right now, as I am trying to juggle my list and coupons…but I am going to get a binder, and photo album inserts to put my coupons in so I can see them and stuff. I’m sure I will get faster the more I get used to it. I am actually having fun shopping. It really is like this game, getting the cheapest prices, and stocking up on stuff for cheap.

Yesterday, I kept teasing Jeremy and saying “Isn’t this fun?” and he was sarcastically saying “Oh yeah, baby! This is great!”.

Then we walked out and he looked on his receipt, and said “Okay this is kinda fun!” LOL!

The best is I bring him, and the coupons I have double of, I give him the doubles, and have him check out with the double products so we get the double coupons, and I don’t have to make 2 trips. It cracks me up though watching him…this tattooed guy using coupons. LOL!

Now, I’m a freak and want a deep freezer. LOL! I think in a month or so, I am going to get one, once my stockpile grows and I am spending less at the store for food all together.

Here’s my stockpile for 1 full week: