176:365
December 24, 2008
Wednesday
Christmas Eve

View On Black

We like to say "Olé" like the whitest white people. It cracks me up. Do it out loud, right now. It’s fun. Jeremy does this little jump with his hands, and I die from laughter.

You may ask yourself "What is up with that Christmas tree branch hanging from the ceiling with ornaments on it doing in the picture?"

Nobody knows. Just go with it.

Yesterday, I went into my kids bathroom to put something in there, and I noticed pee all over the floor around the toilet. I went bitching at Chase. He lied and said it wasn’t him…it was the puppy. I would believe that if say it were on the rug in the bathroom, and not around the toilet. He’ll be 12 in less than a week, and yet he can’t manage to get his pee in the toilet. Isn’t that pretty ridiculous? What do I need to go buy him targets to pee on, like he’s 2 years old? Either he didn’t get one single drop of pee in the toilet, or every time he pee’s he pee’s on the floor a little. So, I just broke down and started bawling my eyes out at the thought of having to go mop up my 12 year old’s urine off the bathroom floor, after I was done picking up everyone’s shit from around the house just so I could dust. Then soak up the 2 piss spots I found from the puppy on the carpet so I could vacuum.

Huge tears, barely able to catch my breath tears. Then! Then I walk to my bedroom to put all this shit Jeremy pulls out and never puts away in there, and I hear Sheldyn snickering as I left the living room. I knew she was laughing at me for crying the way I was, and that just really, really fucking hurt. I can still remember when my mom cried when I was a kid, and I was always really worried, and sad for her, and I remember going and hugging her and trying to make her feel better. She was my Mom, and was crying. No, my kids laugh at me. It’s making me cry right now. I feel like such a failure in life, but especially with my kids. I have failed obviously. I haven’t raised loving, compassionate children. They are mean.

Chase talks back to me constantly. He’s disrespectful, he’s rude, he’s a slob, he lies, and he does bad in school.

Chase has so many issues I can’t even type it all up here, because it’s just embarrassing.

I have once again put myself in a situation where I am stuck, and dependent on someone else. I thought 6 years ago, I wanted freedom, and independence. I have none of that. My life literally depends on a couple of people. I don’t go out and do anything to improve my life because I’m pretty sure I’m not a very smart person, and I will fail at anything I try. I won’t even try because I have no self esteem because I am so fat and ugly.

I have had a boyfriend for nearly 5 years now, who just doesn’t ask me to marry him even though he’s acted as though that is what he wants. Now, I’ve bitched about it so much, that if it ever did happen which I won’t hold my breath for, it won’t mean what it is supposed to mean. He says we can go get married this weekend, but I just thought and wanted that special moment or that feeling of knowing he was asking me to marry him because he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Not because I bitched about it for years. The whole proposal thing. Ruined. I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t want to marry him now because I truly feel like he doesn’t really love me like he used to. I was the one who suggested I move in with him. I pushed and pushed and pushed for that. That wasn’t him. Do you think he would have quit his job, and left the city he lived and grew up in to live with me 90 miles away? Hell fuck no! Not only did I do ALL of that, but I moved my kids up here also, so I could be with him. He never, ever would have done that for me, ever. Which looking back on it speaks volumes to me. Jeremy actually has never really sacrificed anything for me, besides having roommates who sometimes paid rent to him.

I always thought that I would own a home by the time I was 30. I’d have nice things, and be comfortable financially. I’m 33 years old, and I’m so poor my kids qualify for free lunches at school. The only car I have is 43 years old, because I am such a loser that my other car got repossessed. I live in a shitty little house, that I’m not even supposed to live in because I’m not on the lease…and couldn’t be because I have horrible, horrible credit. My credit is so bad, that even if I started to try to fix it, I wouldn’t have decent credit until I was in my 40’s. I will never own a home. I can’t buy a car. I’m still stressing out over being able to buy my kids birthday presents. Let alone Christmas presents.

I was more on track, and my life was more promising when I was 21 years old with a brand new baby…and I was poor as can be. When I die, there will be nothing that I have accomplished besides being a loser who never did anything with her life. It’s a wasted life I lead. It has no hope or promise.

I’m a pretty miserable person, and I often feel like I have nobody. Like nobody really loves me. I don’t love myself. I don’t even like myself. I think my dogs are the only ones who really like me, and that’s because I give them food.

It’s pitiful and sad. I have nothing. I am nothing.

Not sure if this will be my picture for the day or not. For now this is it. I will probably go back and edit it again more to my liking.

Today, was just a regular day. I woke up and Jeremy had fed the puppy. I was happy and felt good. I thought it would be a good day. Within 10 minutes Betty had eaten her own ass, and vomited up a foam that smelled of anal glands on the bed, and as I am trying to clean up the foam, Annabelle pee’d all over the bed. Yay! So, the morning went from nice, to pure shit in no time.

I decided to ride my bike to the school down the street for my picture, and brought Shell with me. It was so hot, and I was all sweaty and miserable. I fake it good. After that we headed home, and I am trying to leave out the front door, and my dogs are trying to get out front, and I’m trying to squeeze through a crack, and caught my new shirt on a small nail and ripped a huge hole in it. Stupid dogs.

Tomorrow, I need to go get a few things. Like face wash, moisturizer, and a few new clothing items for my trip to North Carolina this Saturday. I also just realized that my Mom booked my flight at like 7:30 a.m. How am I supposed to drink vodka cranberries to ease my fear at 5:30 a.m.-6:30 a.m.? I guess it’s time to try those anxiety pills I got last year.

View On Black

I think I’ve uttered one “I really miss taking self portraits!” Since I abruptly gave up in April on Day 297. Today, would have been my very last day of the project. My last self portrait to finish out my 366th day. What a quitter I am! I really wish I would have stuck it out or quit sooner.

I was going through my set of 365 pictures, and while there was a whole bunch of shitty arms length pictures of me right before bed or my feet. There was also some really good shots in there that I am proud of. I will have to go through and pick some of my favorites and put them throughout this post when I’m done typing.

That probably sounds a little narcissistic, but if you’ve read my blog or know me, you know I don’t think I’m anything special.

When I do something, I always do it to the best of my ability. I’m a perfectionist to where it’s painful almost. If I have to do it half-assed I’d rather not even do it. So, to have these shitty pictures (where the only effort I put into them was to grab my camera) in that set, it bugged me. Then add the missed pictures or the deleted pictures…and we have a big ‘ole incomplete shitty set.

I’ve been toying with the idea of unofficially doing 365 again and trying to complete it. Yet this time, I would take all the pictures I did that I liked and recreate those, and fill all the filler shots with creative shots. Then I’m going to make a book! My brother showed me this link where you can make a book of photographs or whatever, and they are affordable, professional quality, hardcover books! I think that would be an amazing thing for my kids to have when I’m dead and gone. I would love to have a full year of pictures of my Mom from when she was younger in a book. I am also going to start taking the kids picture once a week again, and making a book of them for the year. Then one of my dogs pictures, and then another of a collection of my favorite/best photographs. It’s going to be neat!

So, it’s a possibility I will be starting the 365 day project again. Maybe this week…maybe not. Maybe I’ll decide against it after I start. Who knows. No pressure. No rules. I just want to do that damn book!

I have been extra lazy all week. I didn’t do a single thing around the house. Not one, besides cook dinner all week…which was all grilled and easy!

I finally tackled the mountain of dishes in the sink and counter. Seriously, everything we use regularly was dirty besides 1 spoon. An hour later, they were clean! Yay! I hate doing dishes by hand though. It takes so long, and I get all hot and sweaty. I also am dumbfounded on why I wait so long to do them, rather then take 10 minutes at night to do them all.

I’ve washed the kids clothes, got their bag all packed. I’m waiting on their whites to finish so I can put some socks in there for Chase.

These is a couple fly’s in the house. One keeps landing on Betty. It’s annoying the hell out of her. Everytime it lands on her butt, she jumps and turns around all fast trying to catch it. It’s cracking me up.

Here she is waiting for that mofo fly to land on her again. She wants it dead. Ha!

Jeremy just got home about 10 minutes ago. I need to grill some hot dogs and sausages for the kids and us, and then we are headed to L.A. to drop them off, but first we are going to go and hang out with my brother and Agnes!!! She just flew in from Paris on Tuesday, and called me this afternoon to come hang out. So, I am excited about that. I haven’t seen her in a couple years. After the kids leave we will hang out for a while…maybe do something.

So, that’s cool.

My Madre is coming down June 12-15th, then my sister is coming down the 18th-27th…then I am flying to North Carolina July 5th-12th. I can’t wait to go and visit! I just wish Jeremy could go with me, because I will miss him so while I am gone.

Anyway, that is all.

I decided though that I was going to enroll Sheldyn in Gymnastics over the summer, and Chase is going to take some guitar lessons. Something to do to break up the week a little, and have fun with. I really wish Chase would go take some sort of acting class though. I swear he acts all the time. Everything is exaggerated or he adds onto it. He’s a natural. Ha! I know Shelydn is really excited. Chase, eh, he doesn’t really show much excitement for anything unless it’s a video game or something.

I bought Sheldyn clothes for Christmas. So, of course she was wearing them and I sent them with her to Chuck’s around the time when she went to the Rose Parade.

Well I told him after they came home, that she was missing all sorts of clothes! Last weekend he found some and I just realized she is still missing a brand new white skirt, a green cute Gymboree top with these cute little puffy sleeves, and a black baby doll type top I got to math these leggings. All gone. He assured me they were all at his house. come to find out he was calling his idiot sister to see if she had them over there. I just know moron Angie packed them up with her daughter and sent them to Tennessee when she went home. He’s also lost a brand new night gown. Never to be seen again. How do you lose clothes? I mean they don’t even live there, and I pack a bag for them every weekend. How hard is it to round up their stuff and send it back. ya know?