Ok, so to top off the fact that I feel fat and ugly…I go and get a haircut weeks ago. Remember? I think I’ve said before that I’m not an overly picky person. I can not like something, and just deal with it. To where it doesn’t bother me at all. Well my haircut right now, I absolutely despise! I feel so UGLY with this hair. The chick just royally fucked up my hair. Really fucked it up. I am 100% positive that I could have cut my hair better to where it somewhat looked like the picture, better then this chick. If I could take my head off my shoulders, I would cut my own hair, and it would look good. I’m confident it would. My hair resembled the picture like 0%.

Most days, I wash my hair, blow dry my bangs, and throw the rest of my short little hairs in the smallest most ridiculous ponytail ever. That is my new hairstyle. Thank you lady who cut my hair. You’ve done just the opposite of what the point of your job is. Rather then me feeling cute with my new haircut, you’ve made me feel uglier.

I don’t think you should have to spend $200 for a haircut for the stylist to know types of hair, and what types do what, and what kinda cuts you should do on those hair types. I would think that would be common knowledge, like knowing what the scissors do, and what hair colors do what. Call me crazy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable cutting hair if I didn’t know that.

It’s partially my fault though. I knew that razor cuts and my hair didn’t really work well together. However; I also never had such severe, ugly layers put in my hair with a razor either. I wasn’t asking for them either, so yeah, not my fault. Anyway, it’s going to be a long year, waiting for this hair to grow. I guess we can watch it with my 365 pictures.

What have I learned through all of this?

-Do not do an extremely different style until you’ve found someone who knows your hair, and cuts it good.
- Tell the hairdresser about your hair, what you know looks good, and what you know doesn’t work (ie: razor cuts).

While my sister was here, we were talking about how different I was right after I announced I was getting a divorce. How it wasn’t even me really. I quit doing everything I liked to do (cooking, baking, crafts), and I was all about socializing and partying. I didn’t give a shit what people thought about me. I did random things, I pushed myself to experience things, I did stupid things, I did what I wanted, and what made me happy, and I was confident. I was on my very own trip, and everyone was invited that wanted to come.

It’s really weird actually.

I was just sitting here thinking about how uncomfortable I am being “me”…and how odd it is that there were 2 different Stephanie’s. I look back on those times, and think about that Stephanie. She’s like an old friend, you lost contact with. The friend that you kinda looked up too, and envied. There was something about her, that was alive, and exciting. Almost dangerous. I liked her. I want to be more like her.

I remember vividly the time that Chuck said to me during the divorce times…

“I HATE the new Stephanie!”

then I said:

“Funny! I was just thinking about how I LOVE the new Stephanie!”

The me now, is introverted, a homebody (who really wants to do lots of things, but is to uncomfortable with me.), shy, timid, worry wart, sad, mad/angry, limited.

It boggles my mind on why I don’t lose weight. How many times have I said that I am going to lose weight? So many. Countless. I really just do not get it?! It’s like I am punishing myself or something. I’m keeping myself in an area that I hate, that I feel so uncomfortable doing anything in public or around people. My weight and how I look is something I think about numerous times a day if not constantly on my mind. Just going out and getting the mail, I’m positive that the neighbors are looking out their window and thinking what a fat ass I am. That sounds ridiculous, I know…but I’m not exaggerating.

So, if this is something I think about all the live long day, something I HATE, something that bothers me more then anything else, then why in the hell do I say I’m going to lose weight and exercise, and eat right, and the next day I am eating like shit first thing in the morning? Exercise is a fleeting thought. Always ending in a reason why I can’t do it. (It’s too late in the day, I have to do it early. It’s too hot. I already ate like shit. I’ll do it later. Too late. HA!)

I try to remember what made me do it last time. Then I remember. It’s not something I give a shit about now. I remember noticing that no guys ever checked me out, specifically one. That bugged me. So, I decided to change that. I remember looking in the mirror and being so disgusted with myself. That was it. Soon, I was getting checked out. Now, however, I want to be checked out by just my boyfriend. I want him to think he has the hottest girlfriend around, and can’t keep his hands off of me. Not that he has ever said anything bad about how I look, but come on. I definitely don’t look like I did when we first met.

I want to get that fun and exciting Stephanie back, but still hold onto all the good things about me now. I want to feel good about myself. I’m 5′4″ and I weight like 173 lbs. With my height, and just how I gain weight, I look like shit with extra weight on. Even 20 lbs overweight looks bad on me…and I am 50lbs overweight! I just don’t know how or what in the world can make me get in that frame of mind to where I’ve had enough.

I think I’ve uttered one “I really miss taking self portraits!” Since I abruptly gave up in April on Day 297. Today, would have been my very last day of the project. My last self portrait to finish out my 366th day. What a quitter I am! I really wish I would have stuck it out or quit sooner.

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Last Wednesday, I got the bright idea that I would cut my hair all off and go short. So, I made an appointment and got in on Thursday. I was so excited for a change…and a cute new hairstyle. I somehow forgot that I am fat, and when I am fat I do not look good with short hair. It makes my face look fatter, and me uglier.

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On Saturday my brother’s girlfriend Agnes text messaged me on our way to Mongolian BBQ and asked if I wanted to go shoot some pictures and then hang out at my brother’s work…because you know he was working all night long.

    Jeremy gave me the stink eye, when he saw me wanting to go. I really wanted him to come along also, and hang out…and I wanted to be able to drink too. LOL!He didn’t end up going, which kinda pissed me off. I finally left the house late, what’s new, right? I actually looked at the clock when I left, and I left when I should have been in L.A. already! I was looking forward to at least a 30 minute drive. Somehow, I got there in 25 minutes, and Mapquest can go eat shit…because it told me to take a *left* instead of a *right*. I am horrible with directions, and I have no clue how to get anywhere in L.A., besides my brother’s house, Sunset, and yeah that ’s it i think. Ha! I should have asked my walking Thomas guide boyfriend before I left.

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Here’s a dumb little video of me doing my makeup. How I wish it were really that fast.

How I wish it were really that fast.

I’m going to try to sum myself up in person.

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I just applied some fake eyelashes, and boy do they feel weird to me. I don’t really even like the ones I go either. I think I applied one to close to the inside. Also, someone on the message boards I go tolinked to this site that has tutorials on how to do hair do’s and make up and stuff. So I tried this hairdo, and I like it. I think my hair is kinda heavy though so the poof falls down, quickly.

I used to be able to have a super poof in the back of my hair. It was just trained to do it, and I didn’t really even have to back comb it or anything. It just poofed like good hair should. Then somewhere along the past 4 years, it decided that it hated me and will no longer poof. Jeremy misses the poof also.

It’s funny to me that there is even such a thing as Internet Popularity, but there is.

It is very apparent to me that I am also not one of the cool kids on the internet, just as I was not one of the cool people in high school either.

I didn’t start out on the internet how I was in person. I was outspoken, and didn’t care. Now, I am almost as introverted online as I am in person. Communicating with people online is almost as uncomfortable for me as if I was doing it in person. If someone sends me a nice email, okay so, I can only think of like 2 of those emails, I get nervous about what I’m saying, because I’m worried they will think I’m a weirdo. Maybe because I don’t translate well. So, maybe it will sound strange to them. So, I’m wondering if  my over analyzing makes my replies sound kinde mechanical or just when I talk in general sound not as warm or something?

My personality is super sarcastic, I will act weird to make you laugh. I think I’m kinda funny. I’ve always tried to make people laugh. If I’m comfortable with you, that is how I am. Being sarcastic online doesn’t really work. For some reason, I’m not funny or witty online. I can’t act weird, because people will misunderstand me and such.

Let’s say on Flickr, you post a picture that you think is pretty good. Sometimes it is even really good. You like it, and it makes you proud & happy, and you look at it often. Your proud of the quality of the image. Then one or two people comment on it, you get maybe 25 views. You know that picture is in a lot of people’s streams, and they don’t say one word about it. People who you’ve commented on numerous times.

Then there can be one of the “popular kids”. They are pretty good photographers, some still just as much amatuers as I am, but somehow they are one of the cool people. Everybody loves them, and wants to be their friend. Then they post a picture of their shit, and it’s like everyone loves it. They “love the quality”, “the composition is amazing”, the colors are so awesome. “God, look at the shadows!” “The lines of your shit are so magnificent!” “You’ve captured pure magic!” Then they have like 80% of their pictures in explore, because there are all the popular kids commenting on the popular kids photos, just to comment so they stay popular. Like I said, it was their shit (Not literally people.), and people are commenting left and right. Even going as far as favoriting the picture.

Then it seems like this persons arrogance grows. Can you see something like that on the internet? It’s like now they think they are great or something…when really they are just starting to get things right. You might get a comment every once in awhile from a popular kid, and it will be on the shittiest picture you have.

I also don’t get people who, haven’t posted a picture in awhile, and they will come back and say”

“Sorry, I’ve been missing for awhile and haven’t been comenting! I promise I will get to your streams soon!”

I think that is so weird. Who are you apologizing to? It seems like they are full of themselves. Do you think there are that many people who give a shit that you were gone a week? Or who are sitting there wondering why you haven’t visited their stream lately?

Or people who post their page views and it’s astronomically higher then mine, and they are in awe, and feel so special that they’ve had that many page views, so much so that they do a screeen shot and post it as a picture and write this thank you, like they are famous…but you know, you’ve practically shown your poo-say hidden behind your hand and shadow to the entire internet. Everyone has seen your tits and your ass. More times then I can count. No shit, you have a lot of page views! It’s not because you are special or a ground breaker.

There are popular people I’ve added as contacts, before their popularity blew up. So, I go search for new regular people who’s pictures I like, and I’m thinking I’m far from popular land. Your digging this persons pictures. You’ve seen some that sends this zing throughout your body. It awakens your senses, and you can feel the picture. You decide to comment after seeing & favoriting a few pictures, and wouldn’t you know it. There’s popular person in the comments. They are fucking everywhere!!! I can’t get away from them.

So, I’ve pretty much stopped commenting on pictures, unless I find the picture really good, and it actually does something to me. There are times, I am in a good mood, and do the comment just to be nice. I would never favorite a picture unless it was really good and I loved it.

So, what makes someone popular on the internet? What’s the secret? Does anyone know?

Popularity goes to every area of the internet. I’ve seen examples on the car forums Jeremy goes too. It’s the same shit. My blog, it’s not popular. I’ve added my blog to so many different sites to get my blog out there…and it’s still a shitty little blog, no better then a blog that was just started a few weeks ago. I think possibly because I don’t update it regularly. Still though, I’m sure it’s because I’m not popular. I’m not one of the cool kids, and mostly I am okay with not being the cool kid. I’ve never been outspoken and throwing myself out there. I’ve always been different then most people, and I don’t really like most people, because I find them fake & self righteous.

Am, I the only one who notices this kind of thing? Actually, my brother noticed it too, and I’ve seen him on Flickr feeling the same way…and he’s actually really good, and actually gets out there on the streets and shoots people walking around.

I’m almost tempted to take off comments entirely. That way I won’t be bothered by it. I won’t check for comments, it won’t even be an issue. I’ve given up on caring about my comments on this blog. It used to bug me a long time ago, now…whatever. Don’t comment.

So, I think what I need to do, is just let it stop bugging me. I’m not going to be with the in crowd. That is because I am so not the type of person to stroke someone’s ego so they like me. I hate those people. I’m going to try to be me, and if people don’t like me, you know to bad.

 

 

 

I have breaking out on my face for the entire month of October. I kid you not, that every. single. day. I wake up to a new zit or one has started popping up in the evening. I am not lying at all. So, like I have every phase of a zit on my face at all times. LOL. It’s really awesome, and I just love having my face look like a 14 year old again. Actually I’m pretty positive I had a better complexion when I was 14.

After I started using Bare Minerals, my acne cleared up. Not completely but there was a little difference. then I bought some Neutrogena anti-acne face wash and moisturizer, and since then, bad skin. So, I need to switch to something else. My skin didn’t even react this bad to just regular body lotion. Crazy huh? I’m wondering if it’s the acne medicine they put in them? I think I need some more Pro-Active. That is the only thing that made them go away.